A Comedy of AR's

Chapter 27
CHAPTER 127 .......... Having a Dad is So Cool

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CHAPTER  127

“We can do coregasms.  It’s fun!  I can teach you how to masturbate on the jungle gym!”

“Derrek, are you trying to get me arrested?”

“Don’t worry, Dad.  You can do a coregasm with your clothes on.  You might make a mess in your underpants, but I won’t.”

“Derrek, why are you so obsessed with sex?”

“I’m a boy, Dad.  Boys think with their penis.  It’s perfectly normal.”

“Not for a five year old.”

“Well, after what I’ve been through in the last two weeks, people shouldn’t be surprised if my brain is slightly fucked up.”

“Are you ready to go, Derrek?”

“Wait, I want to get a mini-football from my bedroom so we can play catch.”

“Okay … da da da da da da … Are you ready now?”

“Don’t forget the horsey back ride … It’s a traditional rite of passage for a dad … I’m only five once.”

Daniel shook his head.  “Derrek, I know for a fact that you’ve been five years old at least three times.”

I sighed.  “True, but the last two times, you were just twelve … hardly ‘dad’ material.”

“But even now, I still don’t think I’m what you would call ‘dad’ material.”

I raised my squeaky voice.  “C’mon, Dad!  Twice around the living room carpet.  You can do it!  Earn your ‘Dad-card’!”

Daniel reluctantly got down on his hands and knees while grumbling, “I don’t know how Sammantha can stand having you around all the time.  You work so hard at being obnoxious.”

“GIDDY- UP!! … She says I act my age.”

“Does she mean in a good way or a bad way?”

I kicked his sides.  “FASTER, HORSEY!! … “Depends on your viewpoint.  Typically, the dad spoils the children, while the mom ends up being the ‘bad’ guy.”

“And what if I don’t want to spoil my child?”

I grabbed my little arms around Daniel’s throat and hung on tightly.  “Too late, Dad … You’re already spoiling me.  GIDDY- UP!!   FASTER!!”

“Dad, I have to bring my junior seat for the car cuz I’m so small.  I haven’t used it for a while … And can we please stop at McDonald’s for breakfast?  I know the routine.  I always drink milk because Sammantha is a smart mom.”

“This doesn’t count as spoiling?”

“Nope, it’s love … So you’re off the hook.”

“Do you have an idea of which playground you’d like us to visit?  And don’t ask me to do a coregasm.”

“Okay, it’s called Knob Hill Park and it’s a couple blocks west of the airport … But I’m thinking that before we go there, we should maybe pay a visit to Jerry Sandusky Middle School.”

Daniel’s eyes opened wide.  “Derrek, I hope you’re not serious, and I’m not going to call you Shirley either.  But what the hell are you thinking?  That’s just crazy.”

I waved a little hand and scoffed, “No it isn’t, Dad.  I went as ‘Anna Meeks’ with you when we went to your office, so I’ll go as maybe ‘Johnny Meeks’ today.  No one will recognize me as Derrek.”

“But what would be the point, Derrek?  You can’t just go walking into a school building unannounced and wander around.”

I explained in my high voice, “We wouldn’t do that, Dad.  We’ll press the buzzer on the outside door and tell the guard that we want to see the principal, Dr. Glass.  Our story will be that we’re good friends with Derrek Adams and his mom.”

Daniel nodded.  “Well, at least that part is almost true.”

“We’ll say that Sammantha and Derrek wanted us to pass along the latest update on his condition and when he’ll return to school.  And she preferred not to do it over the phone.”

Daniel shook his head in wonderment.  “Let me get this straight, Derrek.  You’re supposed to be out sick from school … and yet you’re going to go right back into that same school, masquerading as someone else, and parade around like you own the place.”

“Mom calls me the boy with the iron gonads.”

“Derrek, this is nuts.  I feel like you’re cajoling me to play a part in a Twilight Zone episode.  If we’re caught, this would be utter disaster.”

“Dad, you worry too much. We’ll be fine.  I just need to watch out for water.”

“So you want me to claim to be Daniel Meeks?”

“Right, and I’ll be Johnny Meeks, your son.  This should be fun, Dad.  I’ll bet no one’s ever done this before.”

“And with good reasons.  I should nix the whole idea right now.”

“Don’t, Dad … The kids and all the teachers are very concerened about Derrek, and they’ll love to hear any good news.  Please don’t let the water curse get in the way of doing good deeds.”

“Derrek, only you and I can feel that way … Okay, we’ll do it.”

I came around to the other side of the breakfast table and gave Daniel a big hug.  “Thanks, Dad.  I love you.”

It was close to 8 am when we buzzed the front door at the school.

“May I help you?” asked the secretary.

“Yes, I’m Daniel Meeks.  Sammantha Adams asked me and my son to stop by and give you the latest update on Derrek’s condition.”

“Oh yes, come right in.  I’ll get Dr. Glass.”

The principal cheerfully ushered us into her office and offered us the two seats across from her desk.  I had sat here during my enrollment meeting with her and Coach Parker.

“And what’s your name young man?” she inquired.

I always try to make a good first impression, even though it was really my second.  I stood and reached across her desk … and I squeezed pretty hard for a little kid.

In my high pitch I answered, “Hello, Dr. Glass.  I’m Johnny Meeks and I’m five years old … and Derrek is one of my good friends because we live in the same apartment building.”

“How nice.”

“Yeah, Derrek got hurt yesterday, but he wanted me to tell his friends Hee-shiko and Mal-a-dine that he’ll be okay.”

The principal looked puzzled.  “Ooooohh, you mean Hoshiko and Madeline.  Well, Johnny, why don’t we let you tell them in person yourself?  I think they’re in first period math right now.  Would you like to see them?”

“Really?  That would be great, Dr. Glass.  Thank you!”

As we strolled down the hallway, Daniel further explained, “Sorry for our impromptu arrival.  Sammantha was running late for work and we volunteered to help her out with Derrek today.  He’ll just be resting.”

“Yes, of course.  We were all just so worried about him with all the things that have been happening to him lately.”

The principal opened the door to the math class.  “Mr. Victum?  Sorry for interrupting, but we have a special little visitor here today who would like to speak to your class.”

Mr. Victum took a few fake puffs from his pipe and replied, “The floor is yours young man.”

(I was glad to see Randy Pantz sitting at his student desk after a mere one week suspension.  I didn’t want him to lose his spot on the team because of a prank which I managed to survive.)

I stood in front of the class and made a big wave and a big greeting, albeit in a squeaky voice.  “Hi everybody!  I’m Johnny Meeks and I’m five years old!”

Showkat returned a big wave back and encouraged his classmates to yell out, “Hiiiiiiii Johnny!”  (That made me giggle.)

“You know, Derrek is one of my best friends in our apartment and he has a very bad boo- boo on his neck … in the same place I have a boo-boo too … see my band aid?”

Madeline was extremely hungry for details.  “Johnny, can you tell us how Derrek got his boo-boo?”

Hoshiko followed up, “Does it hurt him much?”

I looked to my left.  “Dad, is it okay if I tell them what happened?”

Daniel answered, “Go ahead, Johnny.  You can tell them, but be delicate.”

It was a most gruesome reveal.  “Okay, well the bad girl was delicate when she cut Derrek’s throat with a knife.”  (I was only exaggerating a tiny little bit.)

(class)  “WWHHHAAAAAATTTTTT???!!!!”

The loud class response was a resounding expression of horror.  Utter shock was etched on the faces of the 23 students.  (Only Derrek and Sally were absent.)

Then I added, “But that’s why Derrek wanted me to tell you that he’s going to be okay.  Derrek’s mommy says that he should be able to come back to school on Friday.  He told me that he loves all his friends and teammates in school and he would never want to let you down.”

“AaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaHHHHHH.”  Came a large collective exhale, a sigh of relief.

Principal Glass came forward.  “Well, class, that certainly is good news as all of us were very worried about Derrek’s health.  Thank you for coming in today, Johnny.”

“Wait Dr. Glass!”

“Yes, Madeline?”

“Would it be alright if Johnny stayed with us till the end of the period?  He’s so cute!  I can watch him.”

“Well, that would be up to Johnny’s dad and your teacher.  Johnny, is that something you’d like to do?”

I answered, “Yes, please … Because Derrek asked me to send a special hello to Mal-a-dine and Hee-shiko.”

Mr. Victum noted, “That’s fine, he couldn’t possibly cause any more trouble than the animals in here now.”

“Mr. Meeks, if you concur, then we could retreat to my office for coffee.”

Daniel nodded.  “I’m always ready for coffee.”

I stepped over to the first girl in row two.  “Thanks Mal-a-dine, can I sit on your lap?”

Her smile melted me.  “Well sure!  Let’s get you up here, little guy … and make sure you wave at Hoshiko.”

“Okay.”  (We waved at each other.)

In my short pants, I straddled Madeline’s thighs … only facing outward, not inward like I do with Sammantha.  Waves of adrenaline pulsed throughout my body.  I couldn’t believe I was engulfed by my secret crush. 

Madeline Dazilme wrapped her arms around my tummy.  Once again, I thought about the famous painting by Guayasamin of the doting mom embracing her son.  The touch of her skin had me seeing stars.  I was a little boy with a little boner and figuratively, I had died and gone to heaven.  This was a sensual experience bringing pleasure that surpassed all my previous sexual encounters.

I would have drifted off peacefully for the remainder of first period had not Showkat made a further request.

“Hey, Johnny … What was the name of the girl who kidnapped Derrek?”