A Comedy of AR's

Chapter 28
A Game of Chikon

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I couldn’t possibly understand what Kitti saw in a scumbag like Chikon.  I wouldn’t think someone as gorgeous as her would even look at him, let alone fuck him.  But I guess these were just two teenagers with shit for brains and anything could happen.  Maybe she had STD’s and no one else would go near her.

I have to say that Sammantha was a big influence on me when it came to seeking revenge.  You just can’t let other people walk all over you and expect to maintain any self esteem.

It didn’t take long to hear ‘passionate’ grunting through the wall.  And after about twenty minutes I could start to hear the bed in Sammantha’s room going ‘boingy, boingy, boingy’.  This was such a rude invasion of privacy taking her bed without permission.  Kitti was supposed to be sleeping on the living room couch.

I couldn’t do anything about it now.  I would have to wait till the middle of the night to exact my revenge … but by what means?  The only real weapons I had access to were the knives in the butcher block on the kitchen counter.  If I went in while they were both sleeping I could probably stab Chikon to death … but then I’d probably have to do the same to Kitti … and the list of suspects would be pretty short, so my cover could be blown and I’d end up in jail for a long time.  Sammantha wouldn’t want that.

I remembered that when we talked about getting revenge against Dorcus, I was the one who suggested a ‘proportional’ response … one that would more fit the magnitude of the crime.  So I thought about it for quite a long time while the two in the next room were exchanging STD’s.

What if I stabbed Chikon with something smaller than a butcher knife?  A thumb tack would hardly be a true retaliation.  Maybe something that would penetrate a little deeper … maybe like a safety pin?  But not the smallest size … I’d be looking for something more like the biggest size if we had such a thing.

I knew that we kept some safety pins in the bathroom, but it was too risky to go looking for it now.  I would need to wait till all the ‘hanky panky’ died down next door … and that took a long time.  They were fucking like bunnies (no offense to my bunny rabbit).

I was on such an edge, that I had no problem staying awake, and by 3am, the coast was clear.  I could hear light snoring through the wall.  I opened my bedroom door a little wider, as Kitti never shut it completely.  Quietly, I entered the bathroom with a small flashlight and started searching through the drawers of the vanity.

Yes!  Middle left drawer had the safety pins.  Though none of them was big enough for the job, the one safety pin that held all the rest together was three inches long.  That would be my weapon of choice.

I pulled and widened the opening of the pin from a 45 degree angle to a 90 degree angle.  Then I returned the flashlight to my room and listened through the wall for continued snoring … good, no change.  Then I tiptoed to the closed door of Sammantha’s bedroom … and tried to turn the circular knob.

Damn it!  It was locked … but that wouldn’t stop me.  I knew exactly how to defeat this little door knob, because I was the one who installed it.  I walked back to the kitchen and opened up the ‘miscellaneous’ drawer, searching for a little specialty tool.  It was a thin metal rod about five inches long that had a tiny ‘flat-head’ screwdriver at the business end of it.

Now my heart started pounding and I wondered if I could really go through with it.  Kicking Dorcus in the groin was child’s play compared to what I was attempting to do now.  I knew if I got caught, Kitti and Chikon would break my bones or worse.  But I clearly remembered my advice from Sammantha … Whatever you do, do it quickly, and then get the hell out of there.

I had two allies … darkness and the element of surprise … and I would need them both.  Stabbing someone is a very personal attack that would get any person seriously pissed off.  As quietly as possible, I inserted the specialty tool into the little hole on the outside of the door knob.  I fished around a little until the screwdriver part caught hold in the slot.

My forehead was sweating.  My body was shaking.  I was so scared.  I just wasn’t sure if I could go through with the mission.  I thought about when Sammantha challenged Gort Canker.  She was scared too, but she still went through with it.  I told myself that the same had to apply to me … I had to do this.

Nervously, I turned the tool one quarter turn to the right, and the door latch bolt withdrew into the door.  I then pushed the door in a few inches and removed the tool.  It was really, really dark in the room.  I pushed the door in some more and it made a little squeak.  I stopped.

The door was now wide enough for me to pop my head in and take a look.  Shit, it was too dark … My eyes would have to take precious seconds to adjust.  I was a aware that there were two body forms on the bed, but it would defeat my whole purpose if I stabbed Kitti and not Chikon.

They both continued to snore lightly.  That was good.  Then soon, I could make out that they were both on top of their sheet and still nude … perfect.  But who was who?  I had to go in closer.

I stood at the foot of Sammantha’s bed shaking like a leaf, holding up my three-inch safety pin ready to make a stab.  Then I saw the dim outline of some body parts … boobs!

Yes, the person on the right was definitely Kitti lying on her back … so the outline of buttocks on the left had to be Chikon laying on his stomach. It was time to act fast.

I remembered when Sammantha acted ‘quick as lightning’ at the gym when Andrew, the manager insulted me, her son.  So that’s what I had to do.  I took three steps along the left side of the bed and plunged the three-inch pin into his right buttock as far as it would go, which, if I did the math right, was three inches.  And I left it there.  Instantly, Chikon Crudup became a human pin cushion … and that was a pretty thick pin, too.

Then all hell broke lose.

As Chikon let out a blood-curdling scream, I used the darkness to make my escape and gently closed their door … although it was too risky to try and re-lock it.  I raced to my room, left my door slightly ajar as Kitti had left it … then dove under my covers, grabbed bunny rabbit, and began my fake regimen of light snoring.

I could easily hear the commotion in adjacent room.  Chikon was screaming worse than a little girl.

“SPIDER BITE!!! … GET IT OFF!!!”

I could hear him dancing around the room.

Kitti woke in a panic and fumbled for the switch on the night stand lamp.

“IT’S EATING ME ALIVE!!! … GET IT OFF!!!

When Kitti finally figured out the light, she was shocked to find a large safety pin lodged in her boyfriend’s buttocks … and even more shocked at their surroundings.

She yelled out, “Stop dancing, you idiot … You’re getting blood all over the room!”

“Then get it off me!”

“Calm down!  It’s not a spider, it’s a safety pin … And why would you bring a sheet with a safety pin?”

“I didn’t know it was there.  Do something!”

“NO, dumbass!  The medical shows all say that if you remove an object in a puncture wound, you could bleed out and die in an hour.  And Mrs. Adams is going to shit a brick when she sees all the blood in her room!

“Kitti!  It hurts like hell!

(At that moment I was under my covers, silently laughing.  I was thinking about Curly from the Three Stooges going, ‘Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.’)

Kitti tried to rationalize the situation.  “Chikon, you can’t drive.  I’m going to have to drop you off at the emergency room.  I’ve still got to watch the kid.  Just put your boxers on and you’ll sit in the back seat on your hands and knees like a dog.”

(‘Ahhhhhhh!’ … I had to cover my mouth to keep from laughing out loud.)

“Then I’ll have to rush back here and try to clean up the blood.  We are seriously up shit creek without a paddle.”

“Speak for yourself, Kitti … This was all your idea.”

“Shut up, Chikon.”

The two of them crept through the hallway and Kitti took a peek inside my door.  “Oh, thank god the kid’s still asleep.  Let’s hurry so I can get back before he wakes.”

I gave myself an ‘A plus’ for role play tonight.  When the two of them quietly departed, I went to survey the damage, making sure I didn’t step in any blood.  I took a quick peek in Sammantha’s room with her nightstand lamp still on. 

Wow … It was definitely shark week.  I had no idea that a person could bleed so much from a safety pin stab wound.  But since I was the stabber,  I hope Sammantha doesn’t blame me for this mess.  Not much else I could do now till she gets back around noon.  I would just play ignorant till then … and that was easy.

When Kitti returned, I could hear her spending hours trying to clean up the blood, not the easiest thing to do from the forensic shows I’ve watched.  She made a huge mistake by taking Chikon to the ER first, allowing much of the blood to dry.  There’s only so much one can do with paper towels and disinfectants.  Maybe she stopped to buy some on the way back … But if some of the blood soaked through the sheet they brought and stuck to Sammantha’s sheets, that’s going to take a real whopper to explain.

I had almost zero sleep.  I’m sure Kitti didn’t mind my sleeping in late.  When I got up, she just told me to make cold cereal and then watch TV.  She probably wasn’t done cleaning … but too late, we heard the apartment door being unlocked.

I ran to greet Sammantha.  “Hi, Mom, welcome back!  Did you have a good conference?”

“I had a great conference, sweety.  And did you have a good time with Kitti?”

“Oh yeah, we had a great time too.  I won lots of duckies at Dave and Busters … and we saw a good movie yesterday … and I played on the playground … and Kitti helped me with my milk baths.  Kitti is a great babysitter.”

“Well good, sweety … I’m very glad to hear that.”

Kitti broke in, “Derrek, why don’t you go to your room and play.  There’s a few things I need to discuss with your mom.”

I smiled and said, “Okay.”

I put my ear to the edge of my bedroom door and could easily hear the juicy conversation.  As Kitti tried her best to put on a ‘mea culpa’, I wondered if Sammantha would explode.

“Mrs. Adams, I’ve done a terrible thing.  When I looked at your bed, I thought it looked so comfortable that it wouldn’t hurt if I brought my own clean sheet and threw it on top of your bed and slept on it last night instead of the couch as we agreed. But what’s really bad is that I wasn’t expecting my period to come early and it was a heavier than normal flow.  I can not apologize enough for the damaged I’ve done and I respectfully request that you not pay me for this weekend.”

Sammantha did not explode.  She just matter-of-factly replied, “I see.  Okay, well let’s go take a look at the damage.”

I raced to my bed as the two of them walked past my room and into the next.  Now I was really waiting for the explosion … still nothing loud.

Sammantha groaned, “Oh, dear … This is not good.”

“I’m really sorry, Mrs. Adams.”

“Is there any blood under the bed too?  Let’s check.”

“I don’t know.  I tried to clean up what I could.”

“Kitti, I’m really disappointed in you.”

“I understand, Mrs. Adams … and that’s why I’m forfeiting—“

Sammantha interrupted, “No, no, no … Kitti, what you did was very wrong, but being a female myself, I understand that accidents can happen.  You still must be paid for the work you did which according to my son, was well done.”

“Thank you Mrs. Adams, but I still feel awful.”

“I’ll finish the cleanup, Kitti.  It’s just not that big of a deal.  If you’d like to wait in the living room, I will collect your fee.”

“Yes, Ma’am.”

I couldn’t believe how calmly Sammantha handled that.  I’ve seen her get angry, but not this time.  I could hear her talking on her cell phone about some kind of ‘picnic’, but had no clue why.  The three of us met back in the living room.

Sammantha handed my babysitter a big wad of cash in a rubber band.  “Kitti, here is our agreed upon fee for the weekend … 500 dollars made up of 25 twenty-dollar bills … And Derrek, what do you have to say to Kitti?”

I ran up and hugged Kitti, the last part of my act.  “Thank you for babysitting me this weekend.  I hope you can do it again.”

Kitti smiled.  “Oh, you’re welcome Derrek … Now I know why your mommy calls you ‘sweety’ … Bye bye.”

After the door shut, I looked up at Sammantha.  “So, Mom, your trip to Chicago went really well?”

I was shocked when she replied with ice in her voice.  “Derrek, get your butt into my bedroom now.”

(Woah, that sure sounded ominous … but I followed her command.)

“Now strip.”

 “Huh?”

“Take off all your clothes … Now.”

I started to tremble.  “But why, Mom?”

Sammantha took two steps back to her closet and threw her sorority paddle onto the bed.  I needed no further ‘explanations’.

I yelled, “Okay, okay.”  And I quickly removed every stitch of clothing on my body … I stood before her in the nude, and boy, was I scared shitless.  I didn’t even get a boner.

“Raise your arms, Derrek.”

I did.

“Open your mouth, Derrek.”

I did.

“Turn around, Derrek.”

I did.

“Bend over and spread your butt cheeks.”

I had to ask, “Mom, isn’t this something they do in prison?”

“Just do it.”

I did.

“Now face me.”  She approached closer and continued.  “Derrek, you have no cuts or bruises inside or outside your body.  So obviously, none of this blood is yours.  I want you to tell me whose blood it is.”

I began to tremble again.  My throat seemed to be getting tight. I tried to speak.  “Kitti said that the blood was from her period.”

Sammantha quickly grabbed the big paddle and slammed it.

WHOOOSH! … BOOOOOOOOM!