A Comedy of AR's

Chapter 30
CHAPTER 130 .......... Getting to Know Shilo

Chapter Description: 2 new pictures added 10/20/23 Images for this story can be found at the following web...... https://sites.google.com/view/comedy-ars-characters/home

CHAPTER  130

The young woman stared into the camera and nodded.  “Well Major, certainly he can use any name he likes.  But I’m looking at his picture on your seating chart, and I wasn’t aware that scientists had already perfected age regression.

“Let’s change the subject, Shilo,” said the teacher.

“No, wait, Major.  I’m checking one of the age progression programs and I found a match with the New York BMV, bureau of motor vehicles.  So Johnny, here, used to be Derrek Hamlish, age 28.”

(I was absolutely mortified, but I knew I couldn’t say a word.)

“Shilo, dear,” said Major, “you have a bizarre imagination.  Why don’t you tell the boys and girls a good joke.”

“A joke?  Sure, Major.  Okay, kids, are you ready?”

(class)  “Yeah.”

“Alright, who lives in Canada and has really wild mood swings?” ………. Give up?  The answer is … a ‘bi-polar bear’.”

(class)  (a low groan)

One boy raised his hand.  “Oh!  Oh!  I have a joke.”

Shilo pointed to him.  “Okay, Randy, let’s hear it.”

“Okay, why was Hellen Keller such a bad driver?”

The young Japanese woman thought it over and replied, “Well, Randy, there’s an obvious answer but I have a feeling this is a trick question.  I give up.  Why was Hellen Keller such a bad driver?”

“Well, duhhhhhhhhhhhhhh … She was a woman!”

A few boys in the class laughed.  None of the girls laughed. 

Shilo was not impressed.  “Randy, that was very crude.  That was a sick joke.  Major, is Randy Pantz always a troublemaker for you.”

“Only on days that end in the letter ‘Y’, Shilo.”

“Major, next time Randy causes you trouble, I want you to call me.  Then I’ll come right over, put Randy over my knee, pull down his pants in front of all his classmates, and give him a sound spanking.”

(class)  “Oooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!”

“And I guarantee you he’ll be screaming in Japanese.”

Now I raised my hand.  “May I tell a joke, Miss Shilo?”

She looked to her left, toward me.  “Certainly, Johnny, let’s hear your joke.”

I slipped off Madeline’s lap again and ran over to the laptop and spoke into the screen.  “Who invented the telephone?”

“Johnny, I believe that was Alexander Graham Bell.”

“Right, and what were his first words?”

“Uh oh,” she replied.  “I fear this is another trick question, but I’m going to guess that his first words were ‘Watson, come here, I need you’.”

I shook my head.  “Nope, his first words were … MAMA   DADA.”

(class)  “Oooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!”

Showkat yelled, “Hey Johnny!  You’re better at singing.”

“Is that true?” Shilo asked me.  “Do you like to sing?”

I nodded.  “Oh yes, Miss Shilo.”

The young woman smiled.  “Well, Johnny, I would be thrilled if you would honor me with your voice.”

“I don’t know, Miss Shilo … Teacher doesn’t like my singing.”

“Major, don’t be a party pooper.  I want to hear the little boy sing.”

“Shilo, this boy uses inappropriate language in his music.”

“Oh, don’t be ridiculous, Major.  He’s five years old.  How bad could it be?  Now what would you like to sing for me, Johnny?”

“I like Christmas songs.”

Shilo looked up.  “Major?”

The teacher grumbled, “Okay fine, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

Now she smiled.  “Go ahead, Johnny, I would love to hear you.”

I swung my little arms back and forth.  “Thanks, Miss Shilo.  I love to sing … Here goes.”

“Grandma got molested at the airport
Flying home to our house Christmas day
They groped her boobs and manhandled her hoo-ha

And asked her if she wanted to get laid.

She never felt so violated
And when they ended they're attack
There were some glove marks on her buttocks
And incriminating latex in her crack

 
They made her take her wooden leg off
And then remove her purple wig
They confiscated all her prune juice
As they rummaged through her luggage like a pig

Now grandma’s cherub-like demeanor
Had quickly turned into a funk
They’re cuppin' grandpa's balls and wiener
Which made her shout out loud "DON’T TOUCH HIS JUNK!"

(The whole class joined in now for the last verse along with clapping.)

Grandma got molested at the airport
Flying home to our house Christmas day
They groped her boobs and manhandled her hoo-ha

And asked her if she wanted to get laid.”

Now the whole class gave me a standing ovation.  I guess they really liked my singing.  Shilo was clapping and called out from the screen, “Bravo, Johnny!”  I guess I wasn’t bad for a five-year-old.

Hoshiko remained standing and walked up the the screen that the teacher was holding and asked, “Shilo, can you come to our school and visit us in person one day?”

Mr. Victum fielded that question.  “Hoshiko, I think the school administrators would frown on a male teacher bringing his girlfriend to class.”

(The bell rang … ending first period.)

“Hoshiko, perhaps we will meet somewhere else … Sionara (goodbye).

Madeline took my hand and began escorting me back to the office.

I looked up at her.  “Thanks, Mal-a-dine.  You’re a really nice person.  Will you be my girlfriend?”

The girl let out a quick giggle and answered, “Maybe when you’re a little older, Johnny.”

In the principal’s office I concluded, “Thank you for letting me stay, Dr. Glass.”

“Certainly, and Johnny, we appreciated the good news you brought concerning Derrek.  Please give our wellwishes to Derrek and his mother.”

I waved.  “I will … bye.”

Daniel held my hand on our way back to the parking lot.  Once in his car, I let out a sigh.  “Dad, I think we might have a slight problem.”

“How so, Derrek?”

“In math class, Starline was goading Mr. Victum, telling him he was too awkward and clumsy to ever get a woman to date him.  But then he told her that he did have a girlfriend and he shocked everybody by dialing her up on his laptop … and the girl was drop-dead gorgeous.”

Daniel, too, had a surprised look.  “Really?  I have to admit that the guy looked pretty dorky with that fake pipe.”

I continued, “So the girl’s name is Shilo and she’s just 23 and she’s Japanese and she has this great outgoing personality.  Everyone in the class, especially Hoshiko, liked her.”

Daniel put a ‘fatherly’ hand on my shoulder.  “So what’s the slight problem, Derrek?”

“Shilo told us that she and our teacher had sex 4.73 times per week.”

“I see.  Well, she definitely shouldn’t be discussing their love life with seventh graders … but does that really bother you?”

I tapped Daniel’s knee with my hand.  “You’re missing the point, Dad.  You know how in the Spiderman comic, he says that ‘his spider sense is tingling’ whenever danger is near?”

“Yeah?”

“Well, nobody in the history of the world has ever used decimal places to describe their frequency of intercourse.”

Daniel still looked puzzled.  “You’re right, Derrek.  I AM missing the point.  What are you trying to say?”

“Shilo isn’t a human, Dad.”

“What??!!”

“Shes a robot … an android … a ‘bucket of bolts’.  None of the other children picked up on that except me.”

Daniel’s eyes widened.  “Derrek, that’s crazy!  How can you be so sure?”

“Because when she looked at the class seating chart with our photos, she said that she wasn’t aware that scientists had perfected age regression, since five-year-old Johnny Meeks was actually twelve-year-old Derrek Adams.”

“Are you kidding?  Wow … so how did your teacher react?”

“He blew it off.  He told Shilo that she was just imagining things … But then she looked up the New York BMV and found my drivers license with her age progression program.  And she said cheerfully, ‘Oh, here we are, Derrek Hamlish, age 28’.”

“Wow again, Derrek.  So since Mr. Victum knew that his girlfriend was a computer, wouldn’t he be all over your case, questioning you about everything?”

“But that’s not what he did, Dad.  He just said ‘Let’s change the subject.  Why don’t you tell the children a good joke’.”

Daniel took a deep breath.  “Derrek, the guy may be clumsy, but he’s not stupid.  He now knows your secret.”

“Our secret, Dad.  If I’m 28, then he knows that you’re not my dad, and Sammantha is not my mom.  He could blow the whole thing up and turn us in to the authorities.”

Daniel nodded.  “Then our problem is more than slight.”