When It Rains, It Pours

Chapter 1
Introduction

Hello. My name is Dameon. I have a “gift”, more like a curse, really, that I am told will interest you. You see, I fear water. A lot. I didn’t use to, not before I was cursed like this. When I get wet, when any amount of water touches my flesh, I become younger. Yes, my body literally regresses to a younger state. It’s kind of like a bizarre fountain of youth, if you will.

Except it’s not that romantic. People looking for the fountain of youth are always old, so they don’t mind getting younger. Me, I’m twenty-four. That’s a pretty good age to be, so losing a few years is not a good thing. If I get a little moist, I suddenly have trouble buying beer. If I get more water on me, I start blending in with the high school kids. Beyond that, it gets real embarrassing.

You’re probably wondering exactly how this curse works. Well, even I’m not sure about all the details, but I’ll try to describe it. Whenever water comes into contact with my skin (only water, other liquids don’t do it), I grow physically younger. I retain all of my adult mind, all my memories, etc., but I get a younger body. There doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to how much it affects me, but the more water, the younger I get. It doesn’t last forever, of course. I slowly regain my maturity after drying off. Unfortunately, there’s no limit to how little I can get with the curse. I’ve been a grade-school child, a toddler, even an infant.

Try to imagine what it’s like for me. You might not think you get wet very often, but you most definitely do. Think about it. You’re reaching for some drink in a cooler full of half-melted ice; you get your hand wet. Some jackass has his sprinklers on, and it’s shooting out to the sidewalk. You’re drinking a cool glass of water and the water gets on your lips (just drinking water doesn’t affect me). Your buddy spills his water bottle all over your pants. That wet dog decides to dry himself off in front of you. You slip on a puddle. These are all very real problems for me.

Rain, I hate rain like you wouldn’t believe. I used to live in Bellevue, but I had to move to Arizona on account of this curse. Even so, I carry an umbrella with me almost all the time. Another big thing is bathing. I don’t use public restrooms if I can help it. Washing my hands afterwards will usually put me into my late teens. I can’t take a normal shower: if I do, I’ll be about five years old when I’m done. If I took a bath, I’d be a baby before I knew it. What I have to do is take sponge baths, real slow. Even that way, I look forward to recelebrating my tenth birthday every morning. Sometimes, if I do it just right, I can finish up with most of puberty still intact. I only wash my hair about once a week. Yeah, I know, that’s kind of gross. Of course, when I do wash my hair, it’s quite a hassle. The amount of water I need to wash and rinse sends me dangerously close to toddlerhood. After that, I have to wait an intolerable amount of time to grow back up.

Okay, I think I’ve imparted enough of the details of the curse onto you. How about I tell you a bit about myself? I’m pretty much just your average guy, nothing too outrageous. I did pretty good in school, was on the football team. I went to college for a few years, was going to major in economics. I dropped out a year before graduating because of some dumb politics. Well, I guess you could more accurately say I was kicked out, on account of some choices I made. I’ve been working part time jobs here and there. My condition makes it a little difficult to do anything else right now.

A physical description: I’m about 6’1’’, I weigh about 180 pounds. I have brown hair, which I keep cut short (due to the aforementioned difficulty I have washing it). I like to think that I’m in pretty good shape.

I’ve been told that the crowd that will be reading this little discourse of mine would be quite interested in hearing about my experiences with this, so I have prepared a series of anecdotes that highlight some of my best (actually worst) moments. I hope you enjoy them more than I did.