Hide & Seek

Chapter 1
Good Morning

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Chapter Description: John wakes up to find something is very wrong with his bedroom and his body.

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I

Valerie’s home has a lot of teddy bears. With teddy cushions, clocks, towels and wallpaper, the theme runs like an addiction through the living room, kitchen, master and spare bedrooms. John hadn’t given much thought to his girlfriend’s interior design issues. Until now.

John pushes off the duvet and looks down at his pyjamas; blue fleece with a tartan teddy bear on the front. Definitely not part of his over-night bag.

Last night is a muddled highlight reel in John’s mind. It had started with his arrival to help put together some flat-pack IKEA furniture, rewarded with a misty-coloured cocktail. Hit with a sledge-hammer of drunkenness, he’d let Valerie undress him and give him a bubble-bath. He’d giddily gone along with the game (even with the little boy pyjamas, laughably small when she’d brought them out of the wardrobe but somehow fitting him perfectly, and then a bed-time story in the spare bedroom which looked much more like a little boy’s, a kaleidoscopic telling of Peter Rabbit, John hanging on every word and picture until with a final woosh, his eyes slammed shut) on the promise that Valerie would explain in the morning.

And now, sitting in the rocking chair with a large brown teddy bear in her lap, Valerie has explained. It didn’t take long.

John sits up in the junior bed and holds his chubby hands in front of his face. ?You made me three,’ he says softly.

Valerie nods.

?Three-years-old.’

Valerie nods again.

?And now you’re going to be my mother.’

Valerie smiles. And she nods once more.

John stares at Valerie’s face, trying to pick up on some trace of madness, the source of what is surely worse than any kidnapping, close to murder. But Valerie doesn’t look unhinged. She seems the same, calm, good-humoured woman that she’d been in the last two months they’d been dating.

It’s John who has done all the changing, from slim twenty-something to plump nursery-schooler. He asks, ?How did you do it?’

Valerie waves a hand dismissively. ?Don’t worry about that. The company has an excellent safety record. There’s bigger risks attached to going under general anesthetic. You were never in any danger.’

?Except now I’m a toddler.’

Valerie smiles. ?Well, you’re a big boy really. Out of nappies during the day at least. You’re definitely not a baby...and look at all your lovely big-boy toys. You’ll have fun with them!’

John looks over at toys in the corner of the room; plastic cars and trucks, a bright red London bus, the collection dominated by a chunky wooden train set, the carriages painted in primary colours. It’s all about traffic, John’s new toys, it’s all about getting from A to Z. John looks at the trains and suddenly feels an tight tingling close but not quite the same as pins and needles in his hands and feet, as if the emotion, the post-traumatic stress, is too much for his small body to contain.

He kicks the duvet off his legs. ?You’ve stolen my...life. This is...’ He pauses, blushing at the childish squeak of his voice, so much closer to a little boy’s whining than an adult accusation. And then a realization; something significant, and all the stranger that it’s only just occurred to him. ?I don’t think like a three-year-old.’

?That’s right,’ Valerie replies. ?’You don’t.’

?So you expect me to just go along with this? To pretend I’m your son? Pretend I’m happy with that?’

Valerie shakes her head. ?I don’t think you’ll need to pretend. You’ll be genuinely happy to be my son. I think you’ll want to be a good little boy for your mummy.’

John looks hard at Valerie, gives her what they used to call, when he really was a little boy, a Paddington-stare. He asks, between gritted teeth, a throbbing jaw, ?And what would make you even dream that I would want to do that?’

?I’ll make you a deal,’ Valerie replies. ?Give me ten minutes with you as a little boy, play along. Ten minutes and if you decide you like it then I take you to nursery school.’

?And if I don’t?’

She shrugs. ?And if you’re not having fun, I’ll turn you back.’

John blinks. ?Are you serious?’

Valerie nods. ?Oh, and before I forget, here...’ She puts the teddy bear she’s been holding on its front, flicks a switch, and then music, twinkling nursery rhymes, start coming from the bear’s mouth. She stands up and gives John the teddy bear. ?This belongs to you.’

John takes the bear distractedly. ?So what’s the time?’

?Hmmm?’

?I’d like to know when my ten minutes are up.’

Valerie laughs softly. ?Clever boy. It’s seven-thirty. I’ll put my watch on the bookcase, you can check it whenever you like.’

?Good,’ John says, looking at the bear’s furry face. Its eyes are bright, almost glowing. Yesterday that would have been alarming, but now it’s hardly the strangest thing that’s happened, and besides, it’s nice to have something solid to hold onto, even if it’s childish. He smiles at the bear, feeling calmer.

?Okay, let’s get you dressed, sweetie.’

John looks up to find Valerie has picked out some clothes from the closet. ?Why?’

?Remember the deal. After ten minutes if you’re happy then I take you to nursery school. I assume you don’t want to go in your jammies.’

?I don’t want to go at all,’ John says quickly.

Valerie looks down and waggles a finger. ?You don’t get to decide until ten minutes are up, remember. So play along, please.’

John sighs impatiently, but he lets Valerie take off his pajamas and dress him in thick white briefs, white turtleneck and navy blue corduroy overalls with a fuzzy brown bear on the front. As she sits him on the bed long enough to put on his socks, she asks him gently, ?Don’t you remember the fun you used to have at nursery with the other little boys and girls? Don’t you want to play lovely games with them?’

John rubs the bear on his overalls with a faint smile. Just like Teddy, sitting beside him on the bed. ?I’ve been there, done that. Val, you should’ve...’ He hugs the bear as Valerie stands back up. ?You should’ve told me you were feeling...’ He looks up at her. The words that come to his lips, they’re perfectly descriptive, but their timing is way off.

Desperate. Dangerous. Disastrous.

John smiles at the bear beside him. Yes, they’re all d-words. How clever. What a clever bear.

It’s just a toy. So what is it about that fuzzy brown...such a friendly bear...John slides off the bed and walks over to the train set, to put some distance between himself and the teddy bear.

Valerie joins him. ?I picked everything out especially for you,’ she says brightly. ?I just know you’re going to be a good boy.’ She grins, ruffling his hair. ?We’re going to have such fun.’

John picks up the red bus. He could do with the real thing right now, a Number 82 to get him out of here, to Marble Arch and his waiting office. He holds two ideas in his head with equal weight, perfectly balanced; the fantasy of the shiny bus in his hands becoming real, with all the black smoke and chattering passengers that went along with it, and the absolute truth of his job, his grown-up occupation, his 9.15 meeting with the team lawyer.

He puts the bus back on the carpet. John knows what’s real but there’s a gentle tickle in his head that tells him quite the opposite, a persuasive stroke that started with the teddy bear and if he’s not careful will end with finger-painting and story-time.

He looks up at Valerie, who...he has to be honest, closely resembles her motherly lie, and says, ?I don’t wanna...want to be a kid, Valerie. If you let me be a grown-up we can have a family, then I’ll be the dad.’

Valerie shakes her head. ?I can’t have children the normal way, Johnny. My body doesn’t work right.’ She passes him back the impossibly soft brown bear. ?Don’t forget Teddy, darling, he wants to play too.’

John holds the bear in front of him, feeling a giggle rise in his throat, and has to work hard to cut it out. A well-worn phrase drifts through John’s mind and he snatches at it and spouts it, alarmed that he’s not entirely sure it’s appropriate. ?You could...you could always adopt’.

?No, sweetie, there are all sorts of rules about that.’

Yes, there are rules about everything. But what’s wrong with Valerie? Something for John to worry about, but the thought dissolves as he’s pulled into the teddy bear’s glowing eyes. Dimly, he can hear his ex-girlfriend say, ?I’ve tried, believe me; the adoption people never think I’d be a good mother. But you know better. You know I’ll make a good mummy, don’t you Johnny.’

John tears his eyes away from the bear long enough to smile up at Valerie. Of course she’s a good mummy. He grins with a dazed expression as his anxiety in his mind is replaced by a befuddled softness, as wonderfully fluffy as his teddy bear.

Valerie smiles back. ?You’re going to love nursery, Johnny, I know you are.’

John blinks. The mention of nursery school reminds him of the deal they had made. He doesn’t have to be little; he can be a man if he wants. What’s the time?

Teddy-time.

John looks at the bear in his hands and giggles. What a silly thing to say. And besides, teddies don’t talk, they’re just toys. Even this one. Even this really special one.

?What’s the bear do?’ John asks Valerie, although he knows, as memories from last night begin to surface, flickering into his mind even as more of his adult sensibilities drift away.

?Do?’

?You know. He’s not a toy, Val.’ Looking into the bear’s deep brown eyes, John becomes aware of a ticklish buzzing in his head. ?Umm...can you turn it off?’ John looks to Valerie to find her raising her eyebrows.

?Why, sweetie, don’t you like him?’

John can hear disappointed surprise in Valerie’s voice, but even to his muddled senses, he can tell it’s a bum note. He looks back at the bear’s face, searching for a more honest expression. ?Yeah, but he...it keeps telling me stuff.’ He blushes, feeling foolish.

Valerie gives a three-note laugh, down the scale, but it sounds less fake to John now. ?Well I wouldn’t know about that, because teddy only talks to good little boys and he doesn’t talk to mummies.

John nods at the skewed praise, taking it on board. He’s being good, of course he is, but he’s also feeling more and more confused. ?Val, can you turn it off?’

?No, Johnny, not just yet.’ Valerie sounds firm, in control. Of course she is. ?Hey, I bet you can’t wait to show your new outfit to everyone at nursery, hmmm?’

John looks down at his chest of his teddy overalls, annoyed at the additional distraction but also pleased by the how comfortable his outfit feels, the soft turtleneck and chunky underpants. There’s something so nice about being dressed by Valerie, and he does feel smart in his overalls.

And then John shakes his head, trying to shoo away his juvenile thoughts. He should run out of the room, away from the bear...the special bear. He walks over to the bookcase and looks at the watch. 7.35. Still five minutes to go before he gets to be big again. At least he can read the numbers, but five minutes feels like a very long time.

He looks up at Valerie. ?I wanna choose now.’ Pleading, his best puppy-dog eyes, how can Valerie resist? ?I gotta got to work. I got an office and stuff Val...Vally.’

Valerie ruffles his hair again. ?If you have to go all the way to your office, we’d better dress you up good and warm, it’s very chilly this morning.’ She gets more clothes, dresses him in a bulky pastel-blue snowsuit and shiny red Wellington boots. She finishes with a red bobble-hat that she fastens around his chin, covering his ears.

?There,’ Valerie says, standing John in front of the mirror. ?You’ll be snuggly-warm now.’

John gazes at his reflection. He touches the woolly bobble with a vague smile and a growing blush. There’s something so increasingly comforting, yet so humiliating, about being dressed up like a little boy.

Snuggly-warm.

John smiles. Such a clever bear, and John does feel smart in his snowsuit. It looks so familiar...he must have one like it at home.

He waddles over to the nursery doorway, teddy bear in his hand, the material of the snowsuit swishing between his legs, and then laughs out loud, his own voice sounding slightly muffled through his covered ears.

Valerie smiles at him indulgently. ?What’s so funny darling?’

?I’m all swishy!’

Valerie laughs as well, and now she sounds absolutely authentic.

John blushes again, feeling as though the joke might be on him. There’s something wrong in his head, he keeps forgetting things. He closes his eyes for a moment, to focus on his own thoughts instead of the teddy bear’s whispers, to regain the edge.

The watch. John goes to the bookcase, looking past the distraction of Thomas the Tank Engine stories and check’s Valerie’s watch. A moment of ice-cold panic when the numbers seem to shuffle, seem to make as much sense as hieroglyphics, but he takes a deep breath, settles, and finds some good news. ?We’re past time. I gotta go to work now.’

?Of course, sweetie, let’s go to your office,’ Valerie says brightly, catching John off-guard, as if it could be that easy, as if she’ll just let him go.

Valerie frowns. ?Oh, but hang on, I forgot your mittens.’

John sighs, and is about to tell her that he can do without gloves, but Valerie beats him to it, and says, ?You don’t want to go out without mittens, darling. You might get so cold you turn into a snowman!’

John glances up at the sound of Valerie’s strangely sing-song voice and laughs at her pretend-look of panic. His feelings of impatience fade as he pictures himself standing like a snowman, frozen solid, with a carrot for a nose, and he giggles. It occurs to him that Valerie’s still treating him like a little boy even though time’s up, but this doesn’t make John nervous, it’s just funny. She’s really good at pretending she’s his mum and that he’s a little boy.

Isn’t Mum silly!

John squeezes the teddy-bear, less upset now that the bear talks to him, whispers words for his ears only.

?Look, Johnny,’ says Valerie, offering him a pair of mittens. ?Those ones are the same colour as your wellies and your hat! Why don’t you wear those ones, honeybun, then you’ll be very smart.’

John looks at the mittens and then down at his red Wellington boots. Sure enough, they’re the same bright, lollipop-red colour. He nods. ?Uh-huh, I wanna wear those ones, Mummy...Mum. ’ He blushes at having used such a babyish term.

Valerie nods. ?Yes, that’s a lovely idea. Such lovely fluffy mittens! Your wellies aren’t fluffy, are they sweetie.’

John looks back at his boots, and lifts one foot off the ground and touches them, wobbling on his other foot. ?Wellies are hard,’ John agrees, ?not fwuffy.’

?That’s right, clever boy,’ Valerie says.

John nods, barely noticing the tingle in his head. He sniffs, his nose is running. He’s about to wipe it with a sleeve of his snowsuit, but Valerie gets there before him, holding a Kleenex to his nose and says, ?Blow for Mummy, darling.’

John hesitates. How strange, he can’t quite remember how to do that. He blows though his mouth, making the Kleenex flutter, and he frowns, confused, but it must be okay because Valerie smiles and says, ?That’s wonderful, what a good boy,’ and she wipes his nose clean.

Good boy for mummy.

?I bwowed it Mummy!’ John shouts proudly. A funny tingling in his head, a dizzy delight, and he drops the teddy-bear, giggling when it plomps on the carpet by his feet.

Valerie gives him a dazzling smile. ?That’s right! Now, you’d better try your mittens on, make sure they fit.’ She holds the mouths of the mittens out and John puts his hands inside them, left then right, proud of the way he puts them in so that his thumbs are in the right side. He holds his hands up for Valerie to see, and grins. A perfect fit.

?Clever boy,’ Valerie says. She fetches her watch from the bookcase. ?You were right, Johnny, we’re running late. Are you ready to go?’

John claps his mittened hands together and nods, eager to get outside, to see if it snowed during the night.

Valerie crouches down in front of him. ?Remember our deal, sweetie. You spend a morning at nursery, and if you don’t like it, you stay home with mummy in the afternoon.’

Was that the deal? It doesn’t sound quite right but John can’t remember. He looks down at the teddy-bear, expecting an answer, and frowns as Valerie takes the bear and flicks the switch on its back. The teddy bear’s eyes flutter shut and the soft music that John had forgotten all about quickly fades away, although the tingling in his head remains. Valerie puts the bear down on the carpet. ?That’s enough of Teddy. We don’t want your poor little brain to end up all smooshy, do we.’

John giggles into his mittened hands. ?I’m not smooshy!’

?Well let’s see.’ She lifts John up and pats his bottom. ?No, you’re not all smooshy, you’re nice and dry, what a big boy.’

?I’m a big boy, Mummy!’ John says emphatically. But it’s relative, and he lets Valerie take him downstairs and put him in the pushchair, ready for a big boy’s first morning at nursery.

The tingling in John’s head fades during their journey to nursery school, and he must have fallen asleep at some point, because the next thing he knows, Mummy is taking him out of the pushchair and telling him to be a good boy for a young woman who gives him the biggest smile. And then Mummy has gone, she’s gone away somewhere, with a kiss on his cheek and a wave and then he’s alone with a bunch of strangers. And John needs to tell someone he’s in the wrong place, but he can’t seem to remember where he should be.

To Be Continued...

 

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