Dragnet: A short trip into the Twilight Zone.

Chapter 2
Begin the dragnet

Chapter Description: Joe introduces us to tonight's show.

(Que Dragnet theme music)

Announcer: "Ladies and gentlemen. The story you are about to hear is true. Only the names were changed to protect the innocent."

Joe Friday: ”It was Monday, July 9th. It was warm in Los Angeles. We were working the day watch out of Narcotic Detail, My partner’s Frank Smith. The boss is Captain Shy. My name’s Friday. We were on our way out from the office and it was 10:25 AM. when we got to room 42”.

"Uh-huh, yep, got it." Captain Shy replied to the telephone and turned to us. "Got a call about some juveniles robbing a bank on First Street and Argyle, Joe." When we asked what a robbery had to do with narcotics, the captain replied that the robbers had both taken "Rejuve-Yoo" an illegal substance that regressed the imbiber in age. He wanted us to find out if we could sweat them out a little on where they obtained the illegal substance. I replied, "Okay Captain, we’re on it." Then headed out with Frank to the bank.

Rejuve-Yoo is a powerful drug. If a comparison were to be made as to how dangerous it is, nitroglycerin would be the most appropriate. As different concentrations of the explosive are apt to either make a loud pop or a large explosion, so too is Rejuve-you. There are no quality controls or safeguards incorporated in its manufacture and therefore there isn’t any way to guarantee that the taker of this potent medicine will be affected, end up at the desired age, or disappear entirely. Many street suppliers claim it’s a “safe and harmless” drug, but the statistics have proven them wrong in the long run. You’re more likely to win the numbers racket than to be left safely unaffected by this potentially lethal substance. With that in mind, we needed to find the whereabouts of the drug dealer who specialized in the purveyance and proliferation of this drug which has ruined so many lives. We had to get him off the street, destroy his supply and restore a measure of safety to the public once again.

Upon arrival at the bank, both of the suspects were sitting down in chairs with an armed guard watching over them. The bank manager, Mr. Moody, introduced himself and proceeded to explain that the pseudo-boys came into the bank with BB guns and attempted to rob a cashier. The cashier, alerted the security guard, Mr. Smoot, using a prearranged hand signal to apprehend the robbers. When Mr. Smoot approached the "boys" with his service revolver drawn, it was no contest.

We took the "youths" into custody, transferred them to Police HQ, read them their rights, and proceeded to interrogate them individually. The first suspect, Bob Roberts, a chipper-looking individual, Caucasian, with blue eyes, about 134 pounds, with a height of 5’ and apparent age of 14 was the first to be interrogated. "You got nothing on me, cop." said the "youth", "Even if you try to hang a charge on me, my age will get me off from prosecution. Me and my friend both took enough of that drug to keep us teens for a few weeks. By then, the statute of limitations will be played out and we’ll be long gone." After explaining to Bob that the precedent for what he was counting on had already been played out in prior court cases and the solution was to put him and his associate in a secured halfway house and wait for the drug to wear off and then prosecute him, his chipper demeanor quickly faded. We proceeded to offer leniency for his crimes of drug abuse, attempted robbery, disturbing the peace, and driving underage under the influence of a powerful illicit pharmaceutical (in short, we threw the book at him in hopes of eliciting useful information). "Aw, rats, " Said Bob, "I don’t never get to have no fun, Gee Willikers!"

It became obvious that the secondary mental regression effects of the Rejuve-Yoo were kicking in and it was paramount that we get the low-down on his supplier before it was too late. "Tell us where you got the drugs, son. Just tell us and it’ll go a lot better for you." Bob informed us that he got it from a street dealer named "Ratso". Just then, the full secondary effects of the drug began manifesting and Bob was unable to answer any further questioning. By the time we got to his partner, Joe Browne, 13, 140 pounds, blue eyes, 4 foot, 8 inches, it was too late, as he too began to suffer secondary effects; whimpering and saying that his "ol’ man wouldn’t stand for no police brutality stuff" used against him.

We knew at this stage that both individuals had overdosed on Rejuve-Yoo and made arrangements to have them cared for by social services. As we were booking them into the care of the maintainers a tertiary effect took place in both "youths" and they began to regress at an accelerated rate. They shrank into their clothing, making it appear oversized and baggy, 12 years, 11 years, their pants began to fall and show their skinny legs, 10 years, 9 years, 8 years, confused and alarmed at what was happening, the children began to cry for their mommies, 6, 5, 4 years, their now rounded faces began to take on a chubby appearance as they continued their downward climb, 3, 2... at 1 year they fell on their posteriors, still crying and losing all bladder and bowel control. The process finally ended with the secondary effects re-manifesting, turning their thought processes into infantile ones.

Fortunately for the babies, we had ample supplies to take care of them as every floor had an emergency closet with baby supplies just in case such a thing happened. I procured some diapers, powder, salve, plastic pants, and diaper pins, not looking forward to putting them on the infants, I nonetheless began to set up an impromptu changing station on my desk. “Ya know, Joe,” said Frank, “The diaper would be more absorbent if you did a trifold with splayed wings”. “Oh really, Frank? Are you also an expert on baby care in addition to your other numerous capabilities?” I queried, knowing that some of my partner’s “abilities” are known to end with occasional disasters as the outcome, I braced myself to the distinct possibility of seeing a large cloud of talcum power floating around the room. This time, however, Frank came through like a champ, Bobby was laid down, with the aforementioned “trifold with splayed wings” cloth diaper firmly pinned to his bottom and the plastic pants pulled over them. Frank was just sliding on plastic pants on Joey after he diapered and pinned him when Miss Mary Marguerite from social services came through the door, with additional supplies ready to take the two infants into her custody. “Why Frank, you did that diapering job expertly! Did you get a lot of practice with your kids when they were growing up?” asked Mary. “Yep, my third child went through them quite quickly, the wife and I had to keep on our toes watching for signs of a full diaper with that one. All that practice left me able to perform it in my sleep you could say that it’s second nature to me now.” replied Frank. To which Mary replied, “You can change me anytime, Tiger.” Frank was speechless, trying to wrap his mind around whether Mary was just kidding or if she were a real adult baby. Mary then took the two infants and left, leaving us to ponder our next move.

On Tuesday, July the 10th, we received an anonymous tip that Ratso could be found peddling his poisons on 15th and Vine Street. We immediately took our unmarked vehicle to the location to catch him in the act. Upon arrival, we found Ratso attempting to convince some teens to try his version of Rejuve-Yoo, and having a tough time of it, after all, when you’re a kid, you don’t want to “grow down”, you want to “grow up”. “But I’m tellin’ ya kids that this is ‘The Stuff’ right here! Don’t you want to have ya mother put ya back inta diapahs and be cared for 24/7? Jest thinka all that fun ya’s will be havin’ not holdin’ it in and lettin’ it go with abandon.” To which one of the teens replied “Nope, ain’t gonna do it, not even for a joke. That stuff’s bad and it’ll mess a fella up real bad. My neighbor used some of it on her kid and that kid disappeared right off the face of the earth! No thanks mister!” and with that, the teens began to put some distance between themselves and Ratso. “Wait kids! I’ll trow in some “Slow Downs” fa free!” but it was too late, the teens had retreated out of earshot. This is where Frank and I stepped in, “Alright, Ratso! Keep your hands where we can see ‘em and don’t try any funny stuff, we’re arresting you for peddling a dangerous drug to an unsuspecting public!” “Well, well,” said Ratso, “If it ain’t Friday an’ Smith of da LAPD! Wuts up guys, is things goin’ slow down at da precinct? I don’t see where ya gotta bust my chops alla time, why n’ cha go ticket some parked cars or sumthin’? That’d be a better use of da taxpayahs dough.”

Seeing that he wasn’t giving any resistance, I took this opportunity to lecture Ratso on the error of his ways: “Look Ratso, everybody wants to get the easy money and land on easy street but drugs aren’t the answer. The only thing that drugs do for anyone, buyer and seller alike, brings misery. Misery for the buyer as they don’t know what they’re getting into and if they do then they’re in too deep to get out with their minds and bodies intact. They’re misery for the seller, too. Don’t forget all the shakedowns that local law enforcement has performed on you in the past. And how about all the time you spent behind bars? Doesn’t that get old after a while? How about all the mothers and fathers, sons, daughters, and friends that you’ve affected with your poison peddling? Just give it a rest, Ratso! It’s time to quit pushing that stuff, getting a life, and go straight!”

“Being dat as it may,” Said Ratso, “I’d be a lot betta off is yous was to just push off and lemme do my bidness.” Seeing that Ratso was incorrigible, Frank and I put him in cuffs, grabbed his stash, and after reading him his rights, took him to the precinct for booking. What we didn’t know was that Ratso had a hidden pouch in his mouth which was full of Rejuve-Yoo. As we were parking at the precinct, Ratso was just beginning to show the effects. “Haw, Haw! Friday! I had enough of dat stuff to revert ta babyhood! You can change my diapies for all I care! I hope I gotta big ol’ stinky saved up for ya!” Ratso’s regression was swift. As he began to shrink and shrivel, his pants fell down followed by his shorts. His oversized shirt billowed on his body as one of his hands receded into one of his sleeves, he sucked the thumb of the other with an expression of triumph and anticipation. The triumph was due to him thinking he’d gotten away with his crimes, the anticipation was due to him wearing diapers again and using them without a qualm in the world as Ratso, it would be found out later, was a closet AB, the type of person who wore adult-sized cloth diapers and adult-sized plastic pants topped off with a onesie, baby bib and pacifier, all the while peeing and pooping himself. Soon, he fell on his posterior due to his now weak legs, still smiling and sucking his thumb, he then fell over backward as his torso was now too weak to allow him to sit up. Attempting to roll over on his side, he failed as he didn’t have the strength. Finally, the process mercifully came to a halt and he appeared for all intents and purposes to be no more than a few weeks old. He had regressed to a newborn! As the secondary effects of the drug asserted themselves, Ratso lost all adult thinking and was now cold and wet from the total evacuation of his bowels and bladder. He reacted the only way that a newborn could: He howled piteously. This was a fitting end to a person with such a cavalier attitude concerning drugs and victims.

Epilogue: On September 14th a trial was held in the Superior Juvenile Court for The County of Los Angeles. In a moment, the results of that trial…

(Que commercial: “Our cancer sticks will give you cancer faster than their cancer sticks! Smoke ‘em!”)

(A Picture is shown of two adorable young toddlers sitting up, drooling and smiling for the camera.)

Announcer: “The defendants, Bobby and Joey were remanded to Juvenile custody and later adopted. They are currently serving their 18-year life sentence in a playpen by day and a crib with bars at night”.

(A Picture is shown of a three-month-old newborn, laying on his back, swaddled in cloth, and kicking his legs and arms rhythmically while sucking on a pacifier.)

Announcer: “As the defendant overdosed on Rejuve-Yoo, it was determined by the court on the advice of several medical doctors that it would be unwise to put him up for adoption as it is unknown if the drug will ever wear off, the defendant continues to be monitored, bottle-fed, diapered and have all his needs taken care of while being closely monitored and observed by researchers of the Los Angeles Clinic for the Study of Aging and Regression in human subjects”.

(Que ending Dragnet theme)

TZ Epilogue:

Rod Serling: “Joe Friday sits at his desk and ponders what had gone on in the last few months, his normalcy being interrupted and replaced with Adult Babies, regression drugs, and the odd fact that there was now a closet on each floor with an abundance of products for the sole purpose seeing to babies and infants well-being. While this seems almost “normal” to him, there’s a faint glimmer at the back of his thoughts that seems to think otherwise. He doesn’t know it, but Frank is also an Adult Baby. He’ll find out soon enough though, in The Twilight Zone.”

(Que ending Twilight Zone theme)