College or Cribs

Chapter 14
Curiouser and Curiouser

Chapter Description: Who is this strange man who seems to recognize Chris for who and what he really is?

Chapter 14: Curiouser and Curiouser

He knew! The old man knew! This old codger in his ridiculous outfit and pointy facial hair knew! He…he…he…he winked at Chris! The same conspiratorial wink with a grin that practically screamed “Yeah boyeeee!” It was the same grin and wink he had flashed his roommates conspiratorially as they walked out with a girl for a hot date. But what most caught Chris’s attention, was the ring around the old man’s finger. It gleamed ruby red and sparkled in as the sunlight poured in from the mall’s ceiling windows. It was an exact match for Wubby’s left eye of late.

For the first time in hours, Chris was no longer thinking of himself as a baby, but as a grown man in oversized infant garb. His senses went into high alert. He was acutely aware at how bulky and cumbersome the giant stroller was, how everyone should be staring at it. His skin itched at the onesie around his body, and his ears burned every time he shifted his weight even the slightest and heard the crinkle of the diaper beneath him. Not even the blaring of sirens, bells, and whistles from the arcade in front of them could drown out that dreadful noise. Chris was certain that his bladder was completely empty, for otherwise he would have wet himself in fear. For their part, Roxanne and Bri didn’t seem to notice.

“What is this place?” Roxanne asked aloud, her voice tinged with wonder.

“Itsa Arcade mom! The best ev-!” Bri answered.

“Thank, dear child,” the old man interjected, “but as I said, that is not the complete truth of this establishment.” He spoke with something of a British accent, but a bit muddled. Perhaps fake.

“What happened to Dave and Busters? They were doing well.” Roxanne turned her attention from the mesmerizing lights and buzzers to the man in front of them.

“So good of you to join the conversation, madam,” the old humbug smiled brightly to Roxanne. “As I was saying to your daughter- your daughter?-” he shook his head correcting himself. “No wrong emph-aaaa-sis of course she’s a daughter and not a son…right? I mean of course, right?!” he coughed. “Your daughter?...” he trailed off and gave Roxanne an exasperated glance. “This is your daughter? Daughter? Daughter?” Roxanne blinked, and then nodded. Bri giggled, covering her mouth and turning away.

“As I was saying to your daughter,” he pushed on, picking himself up. “This is no mere video arcade. This is Professor Bumble’s Very Humble Video Arcade…” he inhaled deeply, “AND MAGIC EMPORIUM!” His voice boomed down the halls of the mall and echoed into the food court. “I,” he motioned to himself, “am the aforementioned Professor Bumble, and am the proprietor of this new establishment.”

“But Dave and Buster’s,” Roxanne began,

“Was doing very well, true, madam, true.” Professor Bumble paused a beat. “But I, you see, was doing better; much better. So much better, in fact that the franchisees that rented this space saw the benefit in selling it to me and looking elsewhere to continue their business. So, my apologies if you came here expecting overpriced burgers and chicken tenders with your entertainment. I’m afraid you’ll have to go elsewhere.” The Professor stroked his pointed beard for a moment. “If you’re truly hungry, I supposed I can sell you some of our fake vomit.”

Bri giggled and looked up at her mother. “Mom, this clown’s real funny!”

SNAP! A brightly colored light bulb sparked up and exploded. A large cloud came and hid the midday sun. Professor Bumble glowered down at Bri. His shadow seemed to stretch over her, enveloping her. The whimsical and kindly expression was gone. There was no twinkle in his eye, only fire. Bri silently backed up, her hand searching behind her for her mother. Yet, she was too afraid to take her eyes off him; she was a mouse caught in a serpent’s gaze.

“Young lady…” The old codger growled. “I am not a clown.” Chris began to fidget and try to unbuckle himself from the safety straps of the stroller. His protective instincts were on overdrive. He didn’t care if in his current state he’d make it half a step before falling to the floor. There was no way this creep, this stranger…this…this...thing- for it could not be man, Chris new in his heart- was going to hurt his little sister.

“Clowns are the lowest practitioners of the shoddiest of prestidigitation and they reek of grease paint.” Professor Bumble went on menacingly.

“Then what are you?” Bri squeaked out. Instantly, the shadow was withdrawn and the sunshine streamed back into the mall. His monstrous façade replaced by the wacky countenance of before.

“Why, I’m a magician, of course!” Professor Bumble proclaimed.

“And, what do you do?” Roxanne asked, Bri’s momentary terror seemingly forgotten or unnoticed.

“Why, I magish, of course!” he told them brightly. Brianna giggled a little at the joke. Chris could see Roxanne rolling her eyes slightly. “Just be glad,” he added, “that I’m not a whizz-erd.” Even Roxanne laughed at that one.

“Alright,” Roxanne conceded. “That was pretty good.”

“Thank you, madam,” Professor Bumble bowed, “I live to entertain.”

“So you’re a magician?” Roxanne asked, suddenly intrigued.

“Retired, yes,” the strangely dressed man elaborated, “But I’ve still got a few tricks up my sleeve.” He snapped his fingers and a small flame puffed into the air. He snapped a second time a sparks flew from his fingertips. A third time in rapid succession saw a dove fly from his hand and out into the open air. Within seconds the bird had flown through a ceiling window that had been left open a crack to let fresh air in. “I lose more doves that way,” the magician muttered to himself.

“Anyways,” Professor Bumble went on, “I’m retired, but I’ve made and saved enough money in my old age that I can afford this place. And now, I simply wish to spend my golden years, giving back a little fun to the children, and perhaps inspiring a few new illusionists for the next generation.”

“Hmmm?” Roxanne grunted.

“Ahh, as is the fashion, dear madam,” Professor Bumble elucidated, “this Arcade gives out tickets for winning, and tickets can be exchanged for prizes. And all the prizes-“

“Are magic tricks?” Roxanne guessed. Professor Bumble snapped his fingers, sending bubbles into the air, and pointed at Roxanne; then touched his nose and gave her a conspiratorial wink.

“Well,” Roxanne mused, “that’s actually.. pretty clever.”

“Thank you, Madam.”

“Well,” Roxanne nodded. “Good luck, I’m sure we’ll be stopping by more often, now that Bri knows about this place. She loves video games.” Chris felt the stroller begin to move again.

“Wait!” Professor Bumble practically shrieked. The stroller stopped. “I haven’t met the whole family yet!” Chris gulped. He stared down his nose to find his thumb was already in his mouth. The old man took a knee in front of the stroller and looked Chris dead in the eye. A broad grin came across his face, and his shoulders bobbed up and down as he began chuckling quietly to himself.

“I assume, young lady,” he motioned Bri over so that she was standing in front of Chris too, “that this is your…younger brother?” Bri nodded. “Is that so?” He returned his gaze to Chris. Chris blushed a deep crimson.

“How old is he?” Professor Bumble continued his questioning.

“He’s just a baby,” Bri answered as a matter of fact.

“Yes, but how old is he?” the magician pressed, his eyes going over Chris and back to Bri.

“Uh…” Bri stammered. “Mom?” she looked up to Roxanne.

“He’s a baby.” Chris heard Roxanne answer from behind the stroller. The answer came as confidently and plainly as if an actual age had been listed. The old man arched a curious eyebrow and Chris knew what was wrong instantly. Every time he had fantasized about being a baby, he had never really specified in his head what age he wanted to be. He was always just “a baby”. Now that his wish was coming true, everyone seemed to think he was just “a baby”, with no clear age assigned to him.

“I see,” Professor Bumble stroked his pointed goatee, his smile growing wider and his laughing becoming more pronounced. “So, he’s your baby brother.”

“Yeah,” Bri confirmed, a bit confused at what the “professor” was getting at.

“So he still poops his pants? Wets his diaper from time to time?” Bumble kept at it.

“Yeah…?” Bri answered, not seeing where he was going. “Every day.” Bumble just closed his eyes and shook his head as he continued laughing to himself. Chris felt his ears growing hot and knot forming in his stomach. He was about to be outted. He knew it.

“So…” Professor Bumble paused, “you might say that he’s a real whizz-erd?” and then he erupted into laughter. Bri joined him. “Still,” Professor Bumble motioned for Bri to come closer and he stage whispered in her ear, just loud enough for Chris to hear too, “he might be better at illusions than either you or your mother give him credit for. Little scamps are sneaky like that.” Bri nodded as if she understood.

“Somehow,” she confided, “he learned how to flip people the middle-finger.” Both of them had a laugh at that.

“Briana!” Roxanne chided her daughter, only causing the old man and the little girl to laugh harder.

“Madam,” Professor Bumble chuckled, “Thank you for stopping by my place of business and allowing me to meet your wonderful children. Please allow me to give them a gift as a way of saying thank you and a promotion.” Before Roxanne could respond either way, he clapped his hands together purposefully. Then, slowly, as he separated them a plastic black stick with white tips at each end seemed to appear in his hands.

“For you, my dear,” he presented the stick to Bri “your own magic wand.” Then he pivoted back to where Chris was sitting. “And for you, young man.” He twirled his hand and produced a card. “I’m afraid I don’t have any baby toys- magic isn’t for babies- but how about you give me a call when you’re able to talk.” Chris flinched as the old man reached behind Chris’s ear. He closed his eyes ready for fire or electricity or bubbles or birds to fly in his face. “Oh don’t be such a…well never mind. Point taken.” Chris opened his eyes and Professor Bumble had already withdrawn his hand. “It’ll be there, right behind your ear, when you’re ready.”

“Cooooool! How’d you make it disappear like that?” Bri asked.

“Simple, my dear,” Professor Bumble told Bri, giving Chris one last wink. “Magic.”