Mad Science

Chapter 7
Things one should never say to women of a certain age

As Hannah and Ryan entered the house they found Paige and Hailey huddled around the computer. The two 53 year olds were clicking around and giggling to each other like lecherous soccer moms.

“What are you ladies up to?” Hannah asked. The two older women turned around grinning to each other.

“We’re setting up online dating profiles.” Hailey said to Hannah very pleased with herself.

“You know, retirement is right around the corner and we decided we want to find some hot studs to share it with.” Paige explained.

“Are these the girls you were tutoring?” Ryan whispered to Hannah. She nodded back.

“Uh are you ladies sure that’s a good idea… there are a lot of… creeps on those sites.” Ryan said thinking it would be complicated for two 13 year olds to have dating profiles of women 40 years their senior.

The two former middle-schoolers eyed Ryan and saw his hand clasping Hannah’s.

“Ooooo who is this handsome fellow?” Hailey said eying Hannah’s young boyfriend.

“Hello young man. What’s your name?” She asked him playfully edging close to him and running her hand up his arm.

“Uh Ryan ma’am, er miss.. er…” He looked to Hannah for some guidance. Hannah just shrugged equally lost.

Hailey gently caressed Ryan’s arm and shoulder and leaned in to whisper to Hannah.

“Where did you land this one?” She asked with a look of approval.

“The, heh, college actually.” Hannah said knowing she sounded like a dirty old cougar.

“Ooo trolling the university for some fresh meat. Hannah, my darling, I didn’t think you had it in you.” Hailey said sounding very impressed. Paige came over to join their secret conversation looking a little more concerned.

“Hannah old friend, he’s certainly very cute but he’s younger than your own nephew! I mean you could be this kids mother and then-some!” She warned.

“I know, I know – I mean, don’t worry about it. Everything is fine. This is more normal than you think.” Hannah told them.

“Okay, okay. But if this gets serious don’t make me say I told you so when you’re ready for a nursing home and he’s still in the prime of his life…” Paige chided.

“Well let’s hope it doesn’t come to that.” Hannah said trying not to think about that scenario, which for all intensive purposes was less than 24 hours away.

Ryan saw a frail woman sit up from napping on the couch. “H-hello?” She called out. Hannah and Ryan walked over in front of her. Ryan looked at this ninety year old woman with long scraggly white hair and ill fitting tank top and skirt. Her bare legs pale and covered in varicose veins. She sat stooped and very decrepit looking in front of him. Ryan tried to look past the mass of wrinkles and sagging skin and saw someone he recognized. “Tiffany? Oh my god, is that you?” Ryan asked shocked at what had become of the former teen beauty.

“Oh you know granny Tiffany?” Paige asked from over by the computer.

“Yeah we grew up togeth- I mean, I use to do chores and uh bring her groceries and stuff when I was growing up.” Ryan said not taking his eyes off his geriatric former friend.

“R-ryan?” The old woman rattled.

He knelt down and touched her hand. “Hey Tiff, I’m right here.” He said clasping the cold bony hand in between his.

She focused hard on him. “I knew a boy like you once… it was many years ago when I was a young girl… I was so beautiful back then… so beautiful.” She rattled.

“Sooo she’s senile?” Ryan asked looking up at Hannah. Hannah waved her hand giving the so-so sign.

“Man, you know how many guys I know that would sell their soul to sleep with Tiffany? If any of them saw her now….” Ryan snorted and shook his head.

“Who knows? There may be a guy or two still game to be a notch in this old girls bed board. Personally I’ve seen enough of Tiffany naked to last a life time.” Hannah smirked. The couple went down to Hannah’s bedroom and when they opened it they found Melvin giving fat old Brianna a topless rubdown.

“Oh Melvin! Gross! Not on my bed!... for so many reasons!” Hannah yelled.

“Doooon’t stop!” Brianna moaned as Melvin had momentarily paused from fondling her massive sagging funbags.

“Melvin? What the hell dude?” Ryan said thoroughly weirded out.

“It’s not- It’s not what it looked like! She’s really young and hot!” Melvin blurted out to Ryan trying to appear less of a creep.

“He knows Melvin.” Hannah said still grimacing at the sight of massage oils and naked old lady flesh covering her sheets.

“Still man.” Ryan said giving Melvin a disapproving look.

Melvin helped the elderly woman up and put her robe back on and offered to help her soak in the tub.

When they left Ryan and Hannah stared wide-eyed at each other.

“Uh let me change the sheets…” Hannah said with a smile and stripped off her bedding.

The may/December couple spent a little bit of time making out on Hannah’s bed when they heard Conner come home.

“Hey it’s my neph- my brother!” She said excited and attempted to hop off the bed. Unfortunately her body wasn’t as limber as it use to be and she ended up having to slowly ease upward and Ryan helped by rubbing her shoulders and back. Hannah stood up with an ‘oof’. And the two went into the living room to see what was up.

“Hannah-banana, I have got a plan!” Her brother said grinning ear to ear.

“Really? Excellent. Listen Conner we need to make our move tonight. Turns out we’re on a bit of a time crunch.” Hannah explained.

“Why because the girls can’t miss another day of school?” Conner asked naively.

“Yeah. That’s it. I’ll be in big trouble if the girls don’t go to school tomorrow.” Hannah agreed not wanting to unnecessarily worry her brother.

“Don’t worry. I have it all figured out. So it turns out that this Dr. Gerasco is the same woman who proposed that age-ray at that science conference. Check out this.” He said tapping a button on his phone and displaying a video.

They gathered around what looked like a science expo. A tall woman stood at the podium with a projection of a device behind her.

“With my device you can humble your enemies, put fear into the hearts of those who cross your path. Anyone who rubs you the wrong was could find themselves hurled forward by the sands of time.” Dr. Gerasco told the audience and showed a picture on the projector of a teen girl with an arrow pointing to a shriveled old woman.

“My device can heap as many years as you’d like onto a single person!” She bellowed into the microphone.

“Could you reverse the charge on the device so that it could make people younger?” A woman in the crowd asked.

Dr. Gerasco was flummoxed. “Well er, yes but why would you want to? What greater fear is there in society than the fear of growing old!?”

“Well if your device made people younger we could mass market it to beauty companies, medical establishments…” A man suggested.

“No! No! You’re missing the point! My device isn’t a toy to feed one’s vanity! It’s about getting the ultimate revenge! It’s about using it to get back at those awful girls in Sigma Phi for mocking me all those years. Well it was I who had the last laugh when I stood over them pooping into their colonoscopy bags at the age of 32 while I was still young and strong!” She cackled. The audience looked at each other mumbling at how crazy this woman was. Someone began to laugh and they all started laughing.

“Stop laughing! Stop laughing I say! I’ll make you all senile!” She yelled and stormed off the stage.

The clip ended. Hannah and Ryan gave a big exhale.

“So I’m thinking we use this to our advantage tonight and get all psychological on her ass and steal the device!” Conner declared.

“Sounds great!” Hannah agreed.

“The only snag is we need a way to get inside without her knowing…” Conner mused.

“Well I think I can help with that.” Ryan said taking out his keys.

“Who’s this guy?” Conner asked surprised he hadn’t noticed him yet.

“Oh uh Conner. This is Ryan… my boyfriend…” Hannah explained awkwardly.

Ryan reached out to shake Conner’s hand. Conner pulled him aside.

“Hey man, you know my sister’s really only 20 right?” Conner asked cautiously.

“Yeah totally. We go to school together.” Ryan said with a smile.

Conner nodded relieved. “Okay cool. I just wanted to make sure because I didn’t want my little sister’s heart broken when she turned back to normal and it turned out you were some MILF-hunting freak…”

“No man, we’re square.” Ryan confirmed.

“So you have keys to this woman’s place?” Conner asked.

“Yeah I did some yard work for her a while back. I had no idea what a nutjob she was.” Ryan replied.

“Yeah I mean all this because she hit my car!” Conner said incredulously.

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A little later that evening the three of them gathered everything they needed and got ready to head out.

“Where is everyone going? Can we come? We’ve been cooped up in this house for too long!” Hailey and Paige asked shuffling into the living room in some nice cocktail dresses Hannah owned. Hannah frowned as their heavier aged bodies were stretching them out.

Conner shrugged “Yeah I guess.” Then turned to Hannah “We could use a couple extra sets of eyes when they we get there and they’ll be right with us when we have the device to change them back.” Hannah nodded, accepting her brother’s logic.

“You think the old bags will be all right while we’re gone?” Conner asked.

“Why don’t you guys just tell them the truth and snap them out of it. It seems to be working for Hannah.” Ryan reasoned.

“What’s working? Oh remembering that I’m a young 30- er 20 year old girl. Right.” Hannah said tapping her arm.

“I don’t think that’s a great idea…” Conner suggested but Ryan went over to the couch and leaned down in front of Tiffany who was sitting staring at the TV.

“Hey Tiffany. Hey it’s me Ryan.” He said placing his hands on the wrinkled thin arms resting on her frail lap.

“Eeeeeeh yes?” Tiffany asked straining to hear him.

“Listen to me. You’re not an old lady! You’re really a beautiful 19 year old girl!” He said loudly to her.

“Oh my yes, I was so beautiful when I was 19. That was so long ago…” She smiled a wrinkled smile at him.

“No listen. You’re 19 right now. You, Tiffany, are 19 years old. We went to high school together. Don’t you remember me? Ryan! We made out at a party once three years ago! You’re not an old lady!” He insisted.

“Eeeh what?” She asked slowly, her face contorting into humble confusion.

“You’re 19 years old Tiffany. You’re a young sexy college girl.” He pressed.

“I am?” She said sounding a bit alarmed looking down at her tiny shriveled frame.

“You’re not supposed to look like this. You’re only 19 years old.” Ryan kept saying to her.

“I’m – I’m – I’m only 19 years old…” She began to say looking at every wrinkle on her body

“Yes! Yes! You’re only 19 years old!” Ryan said excited that she seemed to be understanding.

“Oh my god. I’m only 19 years old. Wha-what’s happened to me!? AAAAAAAHHHHH!” She began screaming and crying looking running her trembling hands over her withered skin.

Everyone in the room stood wide-eyed and helpless as Ryan stuttered “I- I- I’m sorry!”

Tiffany kept screaming and crying over her lost youth and all Ryan could think to do was hug her head to his chest and shush her until she stopped. He stroked her thin white hair and pressed her tightly to his person until she seemed to stop her hysterics. Melvin came running into the room.

“What happened? What’s wrong?” He asked looking around.

“Nothing. Ryan just explained to Tiffany how old she really is and snapped her out of her senility.” Conner explained giving an accusing stare to Ryan.

“Tiffany, are you okay my darling?” Melvin asked in an extra sweet voice.

Tiffany sniffled and looked around at all the people staring at her. She wet her lips and finally said “I think this handsome young man must have told me something upsetting. Did someone I know pass away?” She looked expectantly at Ryan.

Ryan got up slightly relieved. He patted the old woman on the head. “No, no, Tiff. Everything’s fine. It’s okay. Go back to your stories.” And he walked back to the door.

“Well let’s not try that again.” Melvin stated bluntly.

“Melvin are you okay staying the evening with Brianna and Tiffany?” Hannah asked. Melvin gave her the thumbs up.

“It would be my pleasure!” He told her and they all began to head out the door. Hannah waited until they all left and went over to Melvin and handed him a slip of paper.

“Hey Melvin, in case something happens to me and I can’t give this to you later I wanted to give it to you now. It’s payment for all the elder-sitting you’ve been doing.” Hannah explained with a grim smile.

Melvin ripped it up without a second thought. “I can’t except this my good lady! You’ve given me payment enough.” He stated flatly.

“What do you mean?” Hannah asked confused.

“You’ve given me several days worth of very intimate time with two of the hottest girls in town that I would never have had otherwise.” He explained.

Hannah raised an eyebrow. “Melvin, you haven’t been having sex with them right? They’re senile!” She prayed he hadn’t.

“No no, but I could in the future! The way I see it – the more time I spend with them as they are now showering them with attention and affection, the more of an ‘in’ I have with them if you manage to give them their youth back!” Melvin explained.

“Huh, interesting perspective.” Hannah said shrugging.

“And hey Hannah, if things don’t go as you guys plan and you come back as a little decrepit old lady – it would be my honor to pamper you and give you a sponge bath fit for a queen!” Melvin with absolute sincerity.

Hannah looked at him bordering on being creeped out and instead just laughed. “Melvin. That was almost really sweet.” She said with a smile across her face that caused all the lines around her mouth to crinkle.

When Hannah got outside and joined the others she saw that Conner’s rental SUV was pulled up with everyone piled inside.

“C’mon sis! We don’t have all night! You know that!” Conner yelled to her and she climbed up into the car.

They drove uptown to the foot of the hill where the doctor’s house stood. Conner parked the car and everyone filed out. Conner opened the trunk and pulled out a half dozen kegs of beer.

“You brought beer?” Hannah asked intrigued.

“It’s not for us. I mean, we can have some while we’re waiting but it’s part of my plan.”

Ryan and Hannah looked at each other and shrugged. Everything was made clear as Conner tapped the kegs and several vans of college kids drove up.

“Hey man, is this where the party is at?” Some hipster looking guy driving a prius full of hot girls asked.

“This is where it’s starting!” Conner told him and the kid parked the car and began drinking.

 

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