Side Effect

Chapter 1
Doctor's Orders

Chapter Description: Ask your doctor about Novicid! Side effects may include irritability, nausea, skin rash, childhood, headaches, and muscle cramps. ...Wait, what?

"This is very important, so pay attention."

Dr. Welling didn’t have to tell me that. I might be a little lax regarding my health but I’m no fool when it comes to obeying doctor’s orders.

"There’s a remote chance of a very serious side effect with this Novicid which might prove deadly if you’re not prepared, so do as I tell you, no matter how weird it sounds."

If he didn’t have my attention before he had it now. "What’s the side effect?" I asked.

"Just... you’ll know it if it happens. And if it doesn’t happen, don’t worry about it," Dr. Welling non-answered.

I wasn’t exactly happy with that but at this point I’d put up with just about anything if it would get rid of this awful back pain. Nothing like a little herniated disc to make one feel closer to 49 than 29.

"First: tonight, take one pill. No more. We can up the dosage later once we see how you handle it."

"One pill. Got it."

"Second, and this is really important: take this at bedtime. And when I say at bedtime, I mean, you need to be in bed within five minutes after you take it. I know you’re going to want to take this right away, but you’re going to need to hold off until then."

Must be some pretty powerful stuff, I surmised. But I was glad he’d mentioned it, because I had been hoping to get this working on me ASAP. It was going to be a long day waiting.

"Are these some kind of time-release pills?" I asked idly.

For some reason Dr. Welling seemed oddly flustered by the question. "After a fashion," he said after a couple of moments before returning to his checklist.

"Third, no alcohol."

Nothing weird there. That was a given with just about any pain medication.

"Fourth, it would be best if you fasted the rest of today, and take it as little in terms of liquids as you can."

New medicine on an empty stomach? Okay, starting to get a little odd.

"Fifth, I would recommend you sleep naked tonight."

"What?!"

“Good, you’re still paying attention. Although that is actually a suggestion, believe it or not. That one’s up to you, though, if it makes you feel uncomfortable, don’t worry about it.”

That wasn’t what I was worried about. "What is this side effect?" I asked again, getting a bit irritated.

"It’s hard to define exactly," Dr. Welling said, "other than, you’ll know it if it happens. Anyway, last thing on the list: whatever happens, it’s vital that you do not panic. The pill and any effect it has will last at most eight hours, so all you have to do is wait it out.”

That was less than confidence-inspiring, but I nodded.

"Finally, call me in the morning regardless. If nothing happens you can keep on taking it, otherwise we’ll have to move on to surgical options."

By this point I was nervous enough that I wanted to suggest forgetting about this Novicid stuff and just go straight on to surgery, but I decided, for better or worse, to trust him. I did have one more question, though. "I’m taking this just before bed, what if the side effect happens and I sleep through it?"

"You won’t."

It didn’t take a psychic to be pretty certain that Dr. Welling knew more about the side effect than he was letting on, but I went ahead and filled the prescription anyway.

Following the instructions to the letter wasn’t entirely easy, especially the part about fasting and minimizing liquids. By nighttime I was not only parched but my head was throbbing hard enough to make me almost forget about my back. My back, apparently sensing the competition, asserted itself literally minutes before I was going to take the pill, as I was undressing for bed.

Imagine if you would a pain so intense you literally can’t move. You can’t even collapse to the ground, not that it would be a good thing if you did. All you can do is just stay fixed where you are, and hope that like every time before, the pain will work itself out in about a minute and a half.

So it did for me once again, and only when it was over could I finish stripping. Even if I had planned on putting on some night clothes I was too drained to do that now. Luckily I’d already fetched the glass of water, so all I had to do afterwards was pop the pill in my mouth, take a small sip to swallow it, and collapse into bed, covering my eyes with a pillow, the better to block out any stray headache-promoting light.