Fresh Start

Chapter 25
So Close

For the kids back at the camp the nightmare was over. For some of them it had been a real ordeal, but in the end they had all succumbed to the blissful innocence of childhood. But one little boy wasn’t at the camp anymore and for him the fight to retain his identity was far from over. Ryan may have looked like a little boy, but the dirty blonde-haired tyke was still a teenager on the inside and he had no intention of going quietly back to preschool anymore.

For close to four hours he hid in the back of a strange car trying not to make a sound and not to vomit everywhere from motion sickness. He had no idea what the vehicle’s destination was and no plan for what he would do when it arrived there. He figured his only hope was to get to one of his friends’ houses and have them hide him. It wasn’t much to go on, but it was all he had.

When the car finally did come to a stop Ryan waited for both adults to exit, then waited fifteen minutes for them to get inside and hopefully be getting ready for bed. He didn’t want to spend a night out in the elements but he couldn’t risk staying in this car too long. If he fell asleep in it he might well wake up with one of the adults discovering him. So he climbed up over the luggage and into the back seat, undoing the lock and slipping out the back seat door. As soon as he opened it the car alarm started blaring, the lights flashing off and on. Ryan panicked, slamming the door shut and running down the driveway and along the footpath as fast as his little legs could carry him.

By the time the alarm stopped blaring a couple minutes later Ryan was two blocks away. Deciding he’d gone far enough and absolutely exhausted from his escape he slipped into a row of bushes and made himself a makeshift bed on a pile of leaves. It wasn’t much and it certainly wasn’t comfortable, but Ryan drifted off to sleep there nonetheless.

By the time Ryan awoke it was already fully light out. The sun’s rays were filtered through the thick tangle of branches above him and he could see now that he was lying in a tiny little hollow in the thicket just big enough to fit his body. It would be dangerous to travel by daylight, but he couldn’t stay here. The bush was thick, but not enough to completely hide him from the footpath. A passerby or dog would soon discover him if he stayed. So Ryan crept out of his hiding spot and stood out in the warm summer sun, getting his bearings. The sun was pretty high up in the sky and the footpath’s pavement felt quite warm under his feet already so Ryan guessed it wasn’t early morning.

Ryan looked up and down the street. It was a typical suburban lane with cars parked on both sides of a narrow road. Hedgerows and high fences shielded the cookie-cutter houses from view. There was no telling what part of the country he was in, no way to know which way to walk. So, on a whim, Ryan turned right and started walking along the grass beside the footpath. He spent the next hour wandering the streets of this foreign neighbourhood, looking for a main road for some landmark to tell him where he was. His little feet were quite sore and his energy sapped by the time he at last emerged onto a main road.

The four-lane avenue looked quite familiar to Ryan from the moment he saw it. Petrol stations, car dealerships and fast food chains lined both sides of the road. But just beyond the next set of traffic lights he saw a heartening sight. It was a mall. Well, not just any mall. It was his mall, the one he’d gone to every weekend for years. By sheer luck he’d arrived back in the very suburb he’d grown up in. His friends often hung out in that mall, so all he needed to do was get inside and wait until he saw a familiar face. Surely somebody would be willing to help him, willing to take him in and hide him.

The mall was busy that day. Ryan decided that was a good thing, it was easier to hide in a crowd. It was nice to feel the familiar cool linoleum of the mall floor under his feet, to be surrounded by the shops he visited on a regular basis. The mall seemed to act as an anchor, tying his mind to reality. He couldn’t lose it in such a familiar place. He just had to stay here.

An assortment of people were shopping in the mall that day. There were young couples holding hands, families with little kids, groups of young teens just ‘hanging out’ and none of them seemed to notice the lone four-year old toddling through their midst. Ryan wasn’t sure exactly what his plan was. He just kept hoping he’d run into some of his old mates. They’d help him out of this, save him from the terrible fate of becoming a stupid nose-picking little brat. He just had to get to the gaming shops, that was where his mates would be if they were in here.

Halfway down the long mall corridor a pair of adult legs suddenly blocked his path. “Are you all alone sweetie?” an older woman asked, looking concerned.

“No, my mum is just up there in the food-court. I know I look little, but I’m actually six, almost seven,” he hastily explained, hoping that would be young enough to be plausible but old enough for her to let him go alone.

The woman looked sceptical. “You don’t look seven to me honey. Are you sure your mummy is there?”

“I have a growth problem,” Ryan lied. “Yeah, she’s there and she doesn’t like me talking to strangers so I have to go,” he added, hurrying around her legs.

The woman frowned but didn’t stop him. He knew the problem wasn’t his size, it was his outfit. No six year old would walk around in blue-jean shortalls like the ones he had on. Not one that was in his right mind anyway. Nevertheless he’d made another successful escape and it was only a little bit farther. The game shops were located on the opposite side of the food-court and he could see his favourite hang-out, the EB Games already.

Closing the distance his heart leapt when he saw who was standing out front of the game shop. There were two teen boys there, apparently waiting for another friend who was inside. One of the boys had long, greasy black hair that fell nearly to his shoulders, just like Ryan used to have. His black t-shirt was dirty too and his tight faded jeans tucked right into his oversized high-top sneakers. The other teen had short hair mostly hidden beneath a snap-back hat with a broad flat brim angled upwards in the coolest way. He wore a pale blue screen t-shirt and dark blue jean shorts cuffed up over his knees in the newest style. Like Ryan he was barefoot, but somehow that didn’t make the teen look juvenile, just tougher. Ryan had recognised them immediately. They were Shaun and Mark, two of the guys he usually hung out with at school.

Ryan made a bee-line for the teens, smiling at his luck. They would help him, maybe find a place for him to hide at someone’s house. As he approached the duo noticed the little boy smiling at them and hurrying over. They shared a confused look, probably wondering if some little kid had mistaken them for an older brother. But Ryan wasn’t deterred by their lack of recognition.

“Shaun, Mark, it’s me, Ryan” he announced as he arrived before them.

The two boys furrowed their brows, sharing sideways glances. “What is this, some kind of joke?” Shaun finally asked.

“No, this is no joke bro,” Ryan insisted. “My bitch of a mum sent me to one of those camps and they shrunk me into a little kid. But they couldn’t get to my mind, I was too strong for that. And now I busted out!” he explained as fast as he could get the words out.

“Bro, you look like a little dork,” Mark burst out, laughing, as he recognised it really was Ryan.

Frowning, Ryan nodded. “Look, I know I look weird, but I couldn’t help it,” he said.

Shaun joined Mark in his laughter, ignoring the boy’s clear discomfort. “Dude, what the fuck are you wearing? My little bro is five and even he wouldn’t be seen in public in that,” he mocked.

“They dressed me in it, okay? It wasn’t like I had any choice. They had other boys running around friggin’ naked all day. This was the better option,” Ryan pleaded, hoping they’d see how serious this was.

Instead the teens just laughed even harder. “Bro, they had you guys runnin’ round nekkid! That’s hilarious! I mean it’s not like you’ve got much to hide anymore eh? Who’s gonna mind seein’ your little baby dick? Man, what you think Emma would say if she saw you like that?” Shaun derided.

“I wasn’t naked! I still have my brain dude, I’m still me. The other kids all had their minds turn to mush, so they didn’t mind being exposed. But I’m still Ryan, still your friend. So stop laughing it up and do something to help me!”

Shaun and Mark stopped laughing for a second but said nothing. Ryan was getting impatient with their stupidity. “Look, will one of you take me back to your place and get me some less silly clothes at least?” he asked.

“Bro, there’s no way you can come to my place,” Shaun told him. “My mum would freak right the hell out.”

“You can’t tell your mums! I need to hide dudes,” Ryan exclaimed.

The teens shook their heads now. “We can’t do that man. You know our mums don’t even give us any privacy. How are we gonna hide a little kid?”

“Well there must be someone you know who can, right?” Ryan pleaded, getting seriously worried now.

The boys shrugged again, in that infuriating teen way. Ryan wanted to smack them both but was too little to do anything other than fume. Then he felt something else, a powerful urge to pee. Ryan crossed his legs and looked around for the toilet. This was a serious issue as he hadn’t gone in hours. Usually there was the cabin toilet just nearby. But now he was in the mall and the toilet was on the other side of the food-court as he recalled. Shaun and Mark were of no help either, just sharing snickers at his pee-pee dance.

Giving up on his so-called friends Ryan began to hurry towards the other side of the food-court. His little bare soles squeaked across the linoleum floor as he grasped his pee-pee with his hand, shocked by how suddenly the need to go had become urgent. He felt like he was going to burst down there. The toilets were within sight though, only a little longer to hold it. Out of nowhere there was a vice-like grip on his upper right arm. Ryan was stopped in his tracks, looking up to see a woman in a mall security uniform looking down at him.

“Now how did you get all the way over here?” she asked rhetorically.

“I’m going to the toilet!” Ryan shouted.

“Not all by yourself you’re not,” the woman replied. “How did you get out of the play area?”

“I wasn’t in the play area. I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he answered desperately. The toilet was so close now, why was this happening?

The woman ignored his pleas and began dragging him along by the arm. “Let go of me!” he screamed. “I need the toilet!”

“Your mummy can take you as soon as she comes back. Until then you have to stay in the play area with the other boys and girls.”

Ryan tried to break free, but every movement threatened to overwhelm his weak bladder. In only seconds she had taken him to the play area and opened the gate, depositing him on the soft foam floor and closing the door behind him. Free of her grip, but unable to see an escape with her standing right there, Ryan looked around for another way out of this kiddie prison. Everywhere little children were playing their stupid games. Ryan headed into the actual play structure, noticing there was a slide in it that came out on the far side of the play area. There he might be able to climb the fence and escape unnoticed.

The play place was small and maze-like, perfectly designed to delight a real pre-schooler. There were rope ladders to climb, a ball-pit in the middle, twisty slides, everything. Ryan ignored all that, heading straight for the back and trying to ignore the painful jolts going through his bladder. Finally he reached the chamber at the top of the slide. Unfortunately a little girl of about six was blocking it while her little brother climbed up the tube.

“You gotta wait,” she told him.

Ryan shook his head and tried to push past her. To his surprise she shoved him right back and she was far stronger than he was. The shock of being pushed around by a little girl combined with physical reaction of falling backwards was too much for his little bladder. As he climbed back to his feet Ryan found the pain down there was gone, replaced by a pleasant tingling feeling and a spreading warmth. Ryan was peeing himelf, wetting his undies and pants. He looked down and watched the blue denim of his shortalls turn darker, the stain spreading around his crotch and down the shorts legs. A line of warm urine trickled down each leg, running over the tops of his feet and between his wiggling bare toes. A puddle slowly spread across the red rubber matting of the play place where he stood, telling everyone what was happening.

As he tinkled Ryan felt more than just relief at letting go at last, he felt relief at giving up his quest to stay a big boy. As he peed he felt increasingly confused and disoriented. He knew he was in a play place in the mall but the exact reason why escaped him. He wished there was a grown-up here to tell him what was going on. The big girl facing him didn’t seem put off by his accident. She stepped closer and put a hand on his shoulder. She spoke in a little girl voice, but was trying to sound like a mummy when she said, “You made a pee-pee in your pants, didn’t you?”

Ryan pouted, knowing that wasn’t a big boy thing to do at all, and staying big had seemed so very important a second ago. He nodded.

“That’s okay,” the girl assured him. “My little brother’s your age and he makes tinkle accidents all the time.”

Ryan felt a little better. It was okay for a boy his age to make pee-pee in his pants. He wasn’t really big after all. Being big didn’t seem very nice. Big boys had to act big and always use the toilet and wear the right clothes and things like that. They couldn’t cry or ask for help. Being little seemed much easier. Little boys didn’t have to be sad about accidents. Little boys could ask for help from a big girl like this one. And most importantly little boys didn’t have to use big grown-up words, especially when they were suddenly so tricky to remember.

“Wyan had accident,” he told the girl.

“I’m sorry Ryan,” the girl cooed, clearly enjoying her role as mummy. “Would you still like to play with us?” she asked, gesturing to her little brother who was climbing out of the slide.

Play did sound like fun. Big boys would have to cry about making a mess of their clothes, but little boys could just play and forget about it. Ryan nodded agreeably. “Wanna pway with you ‘n him,” he stated.

The girl nodded. “Okay, but first we should get you out of these wet clothes,” she directed, undoing the shiny buttons on his shortalls.

A moment later they dropped freely to his ankles, squishing in the pee-pee puddle. The girl leant down and hooked a thumb on each side of the elastic waist of his cartoon print underoos, yanking the sticky, wet garment down his legs and directing his feet out of the pile of yellowed wet clothing.

“There we go, now you can play better,” she announced cheerily.

Ryan looked down at the rainbow on his pretty yellow t-shirt and at his belly-button just visible beneath it. His pee-pee jutted out now, right out where the big girl and her brother could see it. A big boy would be so embarrassed. Big boys had to cover their private parts up all the time. But Ryan smiled because little boys didn’t have to worry about that, they didn’t have to worry about nothing. Grown-ups did the worrying for them.

“Wets pway piwates!” Ryan suggested eagerly, free of all his silly big boy worries.

Twenty minutes of care-free play followed. The only funny part came when Ryan exited the play place structure and walked up to the mesh fence separating the kiddie area from the mall. A couple real big boys who looked so familiar were staring at him and pointing. He bit down on the plastic railing while they laughed and called over another big person, this one a girl, and pointed to him so she could see too. Then they all came over to the railing and smiled down at him. Ryan smiled back, he liked the big kids paying attention to him.

“Hey there Ryan, what happened to your pants buddy?” the big boy with a hat and bare feet asked him.

“Had a pee-pee accident,” Ryan replied without embarrassment.

The kids chuckled, but Ryan thought they were laughing at his silliness and he smiled more.

“You having fun playing in there with the other little kids?” the long-haired boy asked next.

Ryan nodded vigorously. “I cwimb da swide all by myself! Wanna see?” he asked eagerly.

The boys chuckled again but the girl stepped in and spoke to them in an angry tone, though her words were too big and fast for little Ryan to follow.

“Cut it out you guys. You know we could get in huge trouble for mocking one of them, even if you used to know him. Let’s get out of here before we end up in there with him,” she said.

The boys nodded and they all waved goodbye. Ryan waved his fingers and called, “Bye-bye!” to them, already missing the big kids. Half an hour later most of the other boys and girls started to leave and soon Ryan was all alone and the security woman was concerned his mummy wasn’t back and that he had no undies on. She found some extra ones for him to wear while they waited. Ryan liked how soft and puffy they were. The security lady asked him his name and he told her he was Ryan.

“What’s your surname dear?” she asked gently.

Ryan shrugged. Just like his big boy words, a lot of things seemed to have become impossible to remember since he stopped trying to be big. Eventually a big policeman came and talked to Ryan and then he got to ride in their car! They even put the siren on for him and it made a big loud noise! At the police station they got him some sweat pants to wear and gave him crayons and paper to draw on. It was really fun! Eventually they told them they knew who his mummy was and she was coming to get him. That made him sooo happy. It had turned out to be a pretty good day in the end.