Wild Travel

Chapter 3

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Chapter Description: Having a hard time dealing with the consequence of her last travel, Kim decides it is time for a vacation.

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The rest of this day passed like a nightmare. Kim barely remembered the hours at all and only felt completely herself again when she was lying on her bed. This shouldn’t have happened, but didn’t she had to expect something like it? She hadn’t had a relationship with Sam yet and barely witnessed the beginning of one with Andrew, still she had lost both.

Maybe, if she tried, she could bring the relationship with Sam to the level it was before, but it seemed like so much work. Kim already felt like she had worked an eternity just to be here. At a point where her mother was feeling better and they had no money trouble anymore, where her past was no longer overshadowed with Susan’s laughter and she had some experience with boys, making her feel confident that she could find another relationship. She found she deserved a break, maybe a small holiday just with her mother. But the week was full of classes and the next free time seemed so long away.

Kim looked at the drawer of her desk. It was tempting, but when did she ever have real holidays she would like to repeat? They had mostly stayed at home and the one time she had gone to summer camp at 15 hadn’t been so great. It hadn’t … but maybe it could be.

Doing a little research with the help of old photos to get the date right, Kim found the exact point she wanted to jump to. She entered the numbers in the device and with a smile she pressed the button.

 

***

 

Darkness and dizziness awaited Kim like after every jump. She was lying on something soft, so she thought it was best to relax and wait, but this time there was something unexpected. Someone was talking to her.

“Kim, are you there?”

Kim panicked. Had the person – a girl according to her voice – seen something unusual? Maybe the device appearing out of thin air? She couldn’t know, but forcing her brain to identify anything out of the still meager data her eyes provided, Kim realized that she was lying on the blanket of a bed. Quickly she put the device under it, before looking in the direction of the voice.

She saw just a vague shape.

“I was in my thoughts.” Kim lied, finding it the easiest answer.

“I just wondered if you were going to stay here all day.” The girl said.

Kim could see clearer now. She realized she was in the hut she had shared with three other girls back then. As for the girl in front of her. The face and the voice were vaguely known to her.

Monika, she realized and with it another thing. She hasn’t noticed anything.

“The party is already starting.” Monika explained.

The party. The reason she had jumped to this day. A big celebration at the lake, so different from the usual camp activities of wandering, paddling and swimming. Last time she had decided to skip it, but now it would be different.

“I’ll come,” Kim promised, seeing the other girl suddenly crystal clear. “I had to rest a bit, but I feel better. Just give me a minute and I’ll meet you there.”

Seeming relieved, Monika grabbed a bag and left. Kim waited until she was out of sight until she grabbed the device and hid it in her lockable bag. Before she put the latter back in the cabinet secured by a number lock, she pulled a small bundle out of it. A gift from her mother she hadn’t appreciated the first time. Dressing down, she looked at herself in the mirror.

It was true, what people said, that you aged faster when younger. She was 15 now. Her curves weren’t as round as they were at 18, but far away from the gawkiness of her 13-year-old body. She wouldn’t be discovered as a super model, but her belly was flat enough and her breasts way fuller than two years before. She grabbed the bundle, opened it and revealed the bikini. Quickly she put it on. Blue top and bottom. Not bad. Far from it.

Smiling confidently Kim left the hut for the place at the lake, where someone had just turned the music on max.

 

***

 

The party was everything Kim had ever hoped it to be. Good food, good music, relaxed chatter and so much fun!

“Hey Kim,” Monika shouted. “Race to the lake?”

“I’m in!” Kim replied.

Both girls raced barefoot over bare earth, down the wooden pier and jumped in the lake. The water was warm at the surface and cooler farther down, so that Kim shivered as she came up again. Still, she couldn’t be happier. She had hardly felt so much in harmony with her body. Plus, she had been first.

Laughing she and Monika swam back to the shore.

“Told you it would be great,” her friend said, as they rubbed dry with some towels lying around.

“Never denied it,” Kim claimed. “Shall we dance before they turn the music to a lame song?”

“Yeah!”

Still not completely dry, but trusting the sun to do its work on this warm day, both girls joined the large and constantly growing group of teenagers their age and even some adults dancing in the large open place between the huts and the lake. Mr. Offrey, the camp manager of all persons ran the music and displayed so much skill at it that she heard some boys joking that he had to work as DJ in his free time. The rhythm got faster and the dancers got closer together. Kim closed her eyes to dive deep into this moment as she had dived into the lake.

The party ended in the late evening and all gathered in the dark to watch the fireworks. Kim stood in the mass, looking up and contemplating how often she could relive this day. Suddenly there was a pressure on her right breast. Startled she looked down, but could only see the shadow of a hand receding at the edge of her right field of sight. She turned around right, but couldn’t see anyone suspicious, just campers looking up at the fireworks. Faster she turned right farther, but there, too, she couldn’t make out anything but dark figures and movements in the shadows. Numb she touched her right breast, still processing what just had happened.

Her breath came faster. The colorful display at the dark sky had lost its magic and she looked around. Monika and some other girls she knew moved closer, probably to meet her. She couldn’t have that now. Breathing harder and harder, Kim practically fled the mass and rushed to her hut. There she put out her bag and practically threw it on the bed. Nearly not being able to open it due to forgetting the number of the lock, she still managed to do so after taking a few deep breaths. Going through her belongings it wasn’t until she held the device in her hand, that she felt a bit more secure. Hastily she entered the date of the moment she had departed for this day and pressed the red button.

 

***

 

Kim needed a day to be back on track. She called herself sick in college and spend the day in her room. A moment in her life ruined. Maybe she shouldn’t accept it. Maybe she should go back there, await this goddamn pervert who had touched her and call him out. No, this was just too much. She had enough of dealing with such issues. She had gone to this time to have some innocent fun. Was this too much?

“How are you?”

Kim looked up from her bed. Her mother had just entered her room with a tablet with a dish on it.

“Mom you shouldn’t,” Kim reprimanded her as she stood up and took the tablet from her frail mother.

“Let an old mother the feeling of being helpful to her only child left once.”

“Mom!”

Her mother gave Kim a soft smile as the latter put the tray next to her bed. It was her favorite meal out of noodles, sesame, little tomatoes and more. Even seeing it made her suddenly feel hungry.

“Love you mom,” Kim said.

“Love you, too.” Her mother replied. “If you need anything, I will be in Michael’s … in my hobby room.”

Kim nodded and watched her mother leave. Why couldn’t everything be like this? Simple love. Small gestures. A small, uncomplicated world … Her eyes wandered to the drawer of her desk nearly by themselves. So, she could again try to leave her troubles behind, but where to? When to?

One special occasion came to her mind.

Kim went through an old photo album and … there it was! A picture of a little girl, no older than five grinning into the camera, while wearing a ballerina outfit. It was her, in the night her ballerina-class had made its big performance. How innocent and happy she had looked! She turned the photo around and found the date written there by her ever-orderly mother.

Perfect!

But was it? She had never gone to a point in time when she had been such young before. Wouldn’t a happy day during which she was a bit older be better? Thinking about it very hard. Kim remembered none when she had been so happy. Also, being older meant going to school, while with five she had no responsibilities at all.

Just some innocent fun, Kim thought. No reason to write down arguments.

A minute later she held the device, entered the date and set the time to 6:00 a.m.

Playtime, she thought and pushed the button.

 

***

 

Kim awoke with a big yawn.

Had it worked?

She couldn’t see much. Dim light fell through the curtains of her room, creating an ensemble of shadows. Everything seemed different though. Larger. On a hunch, she touched her breast.

Flat.

Kim felt a strange sense of relief wash over her. Only then she realized she was holding something in her arm. Something big and soft. Furry. She went over it with her hands, feeling a well-known shape. A single beam of light revealed what she knew already. Mr. Fluff. Her teddy seemed more than twice as large than she remembered it from being an adult and even softer. Once there had been a music box inside him, playing Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star, but he didn’t need it to be perfect. She hugged him tightly and was surprised by the feeling of comfort, warmth and security he gave her.

It is all fine, he seemed to say. I’m there for you.

Kim accepted it and with a feeling of complete peace she allowed herself to doze a moment. Half-asleep she let her eyes wander through the room which became brighter every minute. There was the end of her bed. So very far away, despite being one for children. There was the princess-tent next to it – its bright colors still muted – where she had had great tea-parties with friends real and imaginary. There was the wardrobe full of pretty clothes she vaguely remembered. There were small plastic chairs around a small table with sheets of white paper and crayons ready to create worlds with. As the light revealed more and more, it came all back to her from depths of her mind she had long thought buried under the blanket of time.

Suddenly a voice dazed her. Coming from outside or inside, she couldn’t say, but the slight shock made her think clearer. How late was it? There was no clock in her room since she wasn’t supposed to be able to read one, yet. Was her mother coming to wake her up?

The device!

Frantically she searched under her sheet, until she touched the well-known surface. Grabbing it, she was shocked to see how long the device was compared to her upper arm! Another sound, clearly coming from indoors. Her mother was up. She had to hide it somewhere where it couldn’t be found, but where? Her mother had always been very keen on cleaning up.

The teenager turned preschooler, sat up in the bed and moved left to leave it. Doing so she nearly fell on her knees, as she slid over the edge. It was a new bed, as she now remembered, one lacking the boxes the old one had had under it. Where else could she hide the device? The princess tent? The wardrobe? All these options seemed too risky, still she knew it would be worse if she was found with the device. Kim felt the panic along with the strange signals her body sent her as she moved awkwardly slowing her thoughts, making it hard to think straight. Something fluffy brushed her shin. She hadn't even noticed she was still holding Mr. Fluff close to her, as if he could help her. Wasn’t there …

Maybe his friends could.

A sudden inspiration made her look to her left of the little table. There was a small pyramid of stuff-toys, undisturbed by her mother since ages. Quickly, Kim rushed to it and put the device deep into the soft mountain, even larger than she was. Just as she had pulled back her hand, the light in her room was turned on. The shock made her stumble and she fell on her behind. Looking up surprised she saw a giant standing in her doorway.

“It is a bit too early for games.” Her mother said. “You know you have a long, special day ahead of you.”

Kim wanted to reply something, but her tongue felt glued to her mouth. Her mother looked so freaking huge, making her whole perspective shift, as she suddenly fully realized how small she herself was now. It didn't help that trying to move her tongue around made her notice for the first time the two missing teeth in her mouth.

“Sorry mom …” Kim managed to say, only correcting herself half-a-heartbeat later. “… my.”

Her mother gave her a slightly confused look, but then shook her head, walked past her and pulled back the curtains.

“Let the sun wake your little head first,” she told her daughter.

As her mother left the room again, Kim managed to relax. This had been … strange. She had known adults would be big from her perspective, but this was like they were a whole different species. Kim looked at her hands. So small and a little pudgy. Her toes, too. In the full light of the morning, Kim looked at the pajamas she wore. It was turquoise with Arielle the Little Mermaid on the front. Boy how she had loved it, not to mention the movie she probably could have reenacted line by line. Her eyes wandered from her bed with the My-Little-Pony-sheets back to Mr. Fluff, seemingly the only constant in her travel. The whole room … no the whole nursery looked so very large!

Suddenly she noticed the mirror next to her princess-tent. Standing up, she walked over to it. On the way she stumbled a bit as her coordination seemed to be still a bit off, as part of her brain insisted it had to control longer limbs than she now possessed. This off feeling multiplied as she looked into the mirror. She had been 13, 8 years younger than her normal age, so being 8 years further down couldn’t be this scary. She had seen herself in the photo, so what she saw wouldn't come as a surprise. Still, as she looked at herself in the mirror, a shocked thought crossed her mind.

This isn’t me.

The power of this thought alone, made Kim stagger and nearly fall on her butt again. Somehow she managed to hold on to the mirror and stay on her bare feet. Slowly the rationale part of her mind regained more and more control. Kim starred at the little girl in the mirror, who looked confused at her, her wide eyes so very large in her freckled face. Carefully, as if not to startle the girl further, Kim touched her own hair. It was a bit longer and her mom had insisted to make curls in the end. The little girl in the turquoise Arielle-the-Little-Mermaid-pajama followed suit. It was her. Slowly everything in her began to accept it. Kim smiled at herself, revealing an incomplete line of white without any brace to be seen.

Such a cutie pie!

Feeling better, she looked around to see if there was anything else in the room she had forgotten when growing up. There was a little pram with a plastic-baby. Kim vaguely remembered playing with it, but playing with one now seemed too childish. There was a little bookshelf, full of small books which contained more pictures than words. In a corner she saw a ball with Minni Mouse on it and the window had stickers of Cinderella, Snow White, Briar Rose and Arielle on it. The nursery itself was plastered with a wallpaper showing small princesses doing princes stuff like tea-parties, riding and playing.

This made her look closer to her own princes-tent where she found a purple hair web and tried it on. It looked so cute in the mirror! Next a little crown made out of plastic and glass. Even better! The little luminous stickers in the upper left corner of the mirror even seemed to glitter.

“Well your highness,” someone noticed from behind. “You look pretty as the morning.”

Kim turned around to see her mother again standing at the door, smiling down at her daughter. She returned to smile broadly.

“You, too!”

It wasn’t a lie. In the light of the morning, her mother looked stunningly pretty. The slightly worn in her face was only noticeable if you looked for it and Kim decided not to, remembering having learned of her mother’s illness only four years later in detail.

“Time for brushing your teeth, so they shine, too.” Her mother declared. “Best you leave your crown here.”

Kim nodded and placed the crown back in the tent, before following her mother to the bathroom. How odd it was having to make two steps for every single one her mother took. In the bathroom her mother placed a small plastic step-stool in front of the sink. It was definitely necessary, for as she stepped on it – the feeling of plastic odd under her soft feet – she found she still only passed the edge of the sink with half of her chest.

Before she could get used to it, her mother grabbed a tooth-brush, held it under a water-stream and put some tooth-paste on it, before handing it to her daughter. Kim thought it a bit patronizing, but since her mother did the same over her head, she found she could accept it. She threw a look at the Donald Duck handle and began to brush.

“Brush deeper Kim.” Her mother told her.

“Did!” Kim protested and spilled a bit of foam on her chin.

Her mother sighed, grabbed a washcloth and made it wet. As she led it to her daughter’s face, Kim instinctively tried to move backwards, only to find one hand of her mother holding her strongly in place.

“Don’t fret,” the adult ordered. “Do you want your Ariel-pajama dirty?”

Kim said nothing and her mother didn’t even wait for it, instead brushing the washcloth over her daughter’s chin.

“See, all clean” she said, as she looked on her daughter’s clean face. “Now finish, sweetie. And remember, deep in. We want these teeth to last.”

Kim wanted to tell her mother that she had twenty years of experience brushing her teeth, but knowing protest wouldn’t lead to anything she remained silent and brushed deeper. Once finished, her mother handed her a cup she had filled with water.

“Remember, rinse and spit.” pointed out her mother as she proceeded to brush her own teeth.

Again, Kim obeyed, a bit startled to find that she had to hold the cup with both hands to hold it secure. Thinking it was over, Kim stepped from the stool to leave, only to have her mother stop her in her tracks.

“Now, do you need to tinkle or poo?” Her mother asked after rinsing off her mouth.

Automatically Kim said the truth. “Yes.”

“Okay, go then.”

Startled Kim first looked at the toilet then at her mother, who proceeded to push the little stool sideway until it stopped under the ceramic bowl, then absentmindedly brushed her hair. Seeing her little kindergartener still motionless at her sides, she turned and smiled down at her.

"Now, I'm sure my little sugarplum doesn’t need my help anymore going to the potty, isn't it?" she inquired, giving her daughter a little push on the butt toward the toilet.

The question startled Kim just as much as the push, and she found herself walking the few steps toward it almost on autopilot. Unnerved, she answered on a much louder voice than intended.

"No Mommy, I can do it all alone!" the words slipped out of her mouth. Looking up at the giant woman, she hastily added that she was a big girl. It somehow felt like the right thing to say.

"Good! Mommy is proud of you."

And with a little kiss on her daughter's forehead, the woman left the room, much to Kim's relief. She felt herself letting out a long breathe. For a moment, she had thought her mom had no intention to leave and give her the privacy.

Closing the door, she turned and stepped back on the bright plastic stool. Pushing her pajama bottom to her feet, she wasn't even surprised to see the colorful red hair of the little mermaid there as well. The girlie undie soon followed, leaving her shivering at the coldness of the ceramic. It was huge, of course, and Kim could almost feel the childish fear of falling into it creeping at her mind, when her mom swung the door wide open, entering back into the bathroom with a basin full of dirty clothes.

"Mom!" Kim yelled in surprise.

"Hush, sweetie, It's just me. I forgot we got a hefty load to deal with this morning. Better begin early." The giant woman wasn't even looking at her as she said so, getting on her knee in front of the nearby washing machine before proceeding to fill it a handful of clothes at a time.

"But... I..." Kim stared at her, bewildered by the breach of privacy while she pulled down at her pajama top. It wasn't that her mother didn't care about her modesty, she realized, she wasn't even recognizing her the possibility of having it.

The entrance did wonders to the task at hand, however, as Kim realized the sound of pee was filling the room ever since her mother had come in. She hadn’t wanted to, but sitting here in such a situation made her bladder act by itself. Seeing her mother not reacting to what she very much had to hear, Kim lowered her head, and no longer resisted the pressure. She let it all out. It felt too late to make a fuss.

Meanwhile, her mother had been fast with the task at hand. Humming a little catchy song, she got back up and looked around as if searching for something. Kim gulped as she saw her stop to look at something below her.

"Seem like Ariel could do with a good wash in the ocean." She chuckled as she proceeded to kneel down. Before Kim could even understand what was going on, she felt her pajama bottom and underwear being slipped off from her feet.

"Don't move, sweetie."

This was so embarrassing! Kim felt her cheeks getting warm. Surely, they were brightly red by now.

“Mooom!” Kim protested, realizing she had instinctively used the tone of a winy toddler.

"Aww, you've got plenty others in your desks. Clothes have to be washed, it's a fact of life, even our preferred ones. Why not wear Cinderella today?" she asked in a cheerful voice, tossing the little underwear in the machine before closing its lid.

“All done, anyways?” Kim’s mother asked.

“Yes.” Kim managed to say over her embarrassment just loud enough to hear.

“Just tinkle?” The adult asked. “No poo?”

The child shook her head, feeling her cheeks again growing warm in embarrassment. Somehow, wearing nothing but a pajama top that barely reached her thighs made her feel even more naked than nothing at all.

“Okay then. Clean up and don’t forget to flush. God, you're so cranky today!”

Kim did so, cleaning her front as quick as she could and flushed. Standing up, she instinctively clutched at the seam of her shirt in an attempt to lower it as much as possible. Thinking herself done, she wanted to rush past her mother back to her room, but was stopped by the adult.

“Haven’t you forgotten something, hmm?”

Clueless Kim looked up at her mother.

“Wash your hands, Kim. How many times do I have to remind you?” The woman scolded her with a sigh.

Fearing it would never end, Kim stepped on the stool and held her hands under the stream of water her mother had turned on. She even used fluid soap out of the Belle-bottle and then dried her hands with the pink teddy-bear towel. Still, she had been wrong thinking this would have earned her some privacy, for her mother accompanied her into her room … nursery and began to go through the wardrobe.

“No time to tarry today,” the adult explained. “Hurry up and dress down, we're barely on schedule.”

Kim obeyed, getting rid of her pajama-shirt, while watching her mother search the cupboard with her back to her. She realized even dressing wouldn’t be something she would be allowed to do for herself. She tried telling herself that it was just her mother. Still, standing naked in front of an adult – even her mother – in this subordinate position felt wrong. It offended an adult sense of modesty a little girl had no words to formulate, and suddenly made her feel so much smaller than five. To her shock she recognized the faint urge to suck her thumb.

Finally, her mother turned, but gave her no opportunity to see what she had chosen. Not knowing it felt so frustrating.

“Such a sour face,” her mother noticed with a chuckle. “You didn't intend to wear your pajama all day, did you?”

Not giving her time for an answer, her mother knelt down in front of her.

“One leg up, Kim.” She ordered.

“I can do it myself!” Kim insisted.

“I know dear, but today we are in a hurry,” her mother replied in a soothing tone Kim found patronizing. “So be a big girl and do what mommy tells you, so we can quickly bring you to daycare.”

Kim froze. Daycare? Kim had thought she would spend the time till the ballet here, playing in her room or outside or watching TV. Spending hours caged with little children wasn’t her idea of fun.

Her mother noticed her hesitation and lifted Kim’s left leg by herself, before she could react. She slipped the left hole of the undie up and then did the same with the right one. Kim only had one moment to look down at herself and recognize that she was wearing a Cinderella-undie. Her mother had already grabbed another piece of clothing.

“Arms up.”

Resigned, Kim obeyed, standing still as her mother pulled something over her head and arms. As she was done, the adult looked at her daughter for a moment.

“Precious!”

Wanting to see herself, Kim walked to the mirror. Her mother had chosen a long white dress with frills on the shoulders, decorated with yellow, blue and violet flowers. Kim shifted, uncomfortable on her feet. Later in life she had never liked dresses and especially now it made her feel unprotected and still nearly naked.

“Can’t I have trousers?” Kim asked in the sweetest tone she could muster.

“It is easier this way to change you later for ballet,” her mother reminded her. “Besides, you look very cute. This one has always been one of your favorites.”

Kim winced. She had thought the same, when looking at herself on the photo wearing her ballet-tutu. Back then she had associated it with carefreeness, but now she realized it also meant she hadn’t even the last word in what to wear and when to go to the toilet. If she only could have a minute to use the device. An hour had to have past, so it was probably recharged. She could jump to a later time today and …

“Time for breakfast.” Her mother decided. “Come on.”

Without waiting for an answer, she shooed Kim out, past the pile of stuff-toys with its important secret. Her daughter felt more helpless than ever, but obeyed, if only for a later opportunity. They had walked past the bathroom-door, when Kim suddenly stopped in front of another unexpected obstacle.

The stairs.

She had known they were there, but not expected them to be so freakishly high. They had to have more than twice their normal height. In the first moment she believed it to be an optical illusion, but of course she was so very shorter Not wanting to make her mother suspicious, she climbed down, one step after the other to not have her mind and body collide again. She hardly could do ballet with one of her legs broken.

“What happened to the daughter who stormed down there quicker than I could walk?” Her mother asked with a chuckle.

She grew up and got a sense for danger, Kim thought, but didn’t say anything.

It was true, back when she had been five – for real – she had jumped sometimes two stairs or more. Now it seemed for her to be so brave it crossed the border to stupidity. But weren’t all children stupid?

After what seemed a long time, they reached the ground floor. Her mother began to take out dishes and cutlery and prepared the breakfast, meanwhile Kim climbed the chair and tried to find a comfortable position. There was no way she could fill out most of the seat and still reach enough of the table, but finally she reached a compromise, which still let her feet dangling over the ground.

Who designed these chairs?, Kim wondered.

Before she could ponder on this question too much, her mother placed a bow with cereals in front of her and poured milk in. After this she handed her a green spoon and proceeded fixing her own breakfast. Kim poked a bit in the bowl with her spoon, having preferred toast for breakfast. Knowing she hadn’t a choice though, she listlessly began shoveling it in her mouth as efficient and carefully as she could. The unaccustomed height made coordinating the much too large spoon even harder, so she concentrated.

Would she force me to wear a bib if I spill?, Kim wondered.

Having finished without an accident, Kim saw Flounders from Ariel smile at her from the bottom of the bowl. She was all for animation, but this felt a bit much. The adult in the child’s body looked up to the kitchen clock – a quarter past seven – and then to her mother who had nearly finished her breakfast, too.

“Can I go up and play?” She asked sweetly.

“No time Kim,” her mother replied with a sigh. “But you can play at daycare. What about helping mommy clean up?”

There was no way around it, so Kim helped her mother by drying the bowls and cutlery her mother had washed. Once done, they were already going to the door.

“Put on your sandals,” her mother told her. “It will be warm today.”

Kim grabbed her pink sandals with Sebastian the Crab motives – had she really loved this movie that much? – and found herself having to put a bit more effort than usual due to the size of her limbs and the dress being in the way. Her mother meanwhile packed a box in the small rucksack hanging next to the door on coat hooks and handed it to her daughter. It was a rucksack in the form of a puppy that even the anime-hardened fangirl couldn’t get herself to like, despite remembering having loved it once and only changing it reluctantly for a big-kid-rucksack once she got to real school. It came to Kim’s mind as she watched her mother put on her shoes that she had no idea what she had actually gotten in the lunch packet. Another thing she had no say in.

It was slowly getting on her nerves.

Her mother opened the door and led her outside. Instantly Kim felt exposed and pressed the rucksack closer, nearly hugging it. It wasn’t just how the relative coolness of the morning went through her dress and sandals, making her feel not dressed enough and, for a second, even naked. It was the size of the world outside, suddenly rushing to her. Before her eyes was the same old street she had always known, but suddenly the shift of perspective on her youthened mind had turned it into something else. For a moment the tar was lava, the numerous trees as many tagpoles to climb on, and the vehicles passing-by some sized up version of her own toys. As exciting as it was, with much to test and explore, it faded in an instant. Watching the gigantic cars drive by on the dull road, blowing leaves and plastic bags around, she knew it wasn’t really made for someone her size. As she watched her mother lock the door, another, likewise realization crossed her mind. She would face this world without money, the keys to her home or even the opportunity to get back when she wanted. Most importantly, she would face it without even the little bit of autonomy she could have expected at thirteen.

Suddenly Kim very much wanted to have Mr. Fluff with her.

Not wasting time, her mother led Kim to the garage and opened the back door of her old Ford. There another surprise awaited Kim in the form of a large harness car seat, the kind she associated with toddlers. She bit her lips as she could have sworn her mother had bought a simple booster seat at this time, but of course after what had happened with her husband and Michael, she was extra cautious.

“Hop in,” her mother told her.

Reluctantly Kim obeyed, climbing in the back of the car, only to find herself lifted into the child seat by her mother once she reached it. Sitting in the large frame, with cushioned material protecting the sides of her head, made Kim feel much younger again, especially as she could do nothing as her mother strapped the harness tightly on her before leaving for the front seat. She starred at her feet, hanging high from the ground, and dangled them a bit. At least this felt good. As the car was started, Kim looked out, seeing the world move past.

As the car drove on, Kim found the journey in the safety-seat maybe the oddest part so far. For someone used to sit behind the wheel for some times now, being driven around in the back seat with no one in the front felt weird. She couldn't help but feel like she was taking a taxi, or playing the role of a minister, prompting her to smile at the contrast with her loss of autonomy. The padded seat around her gave nearly like in a fair-ride, only better. But the best was her mother herself, who hummed absentmindedly some song. She probably wasn’t even aware of it, not doing it for Kim in particular, but the little girl still found herself relaxed by the mere sound of it, memories of her childhood being driven around brought back to life in more way than one.

Maybe she could enjoy this.

Kim’s good mood lasted until they arrived at their destination. As her mother let her out of her seat, the girl got a first look at the large building with the walled front. Kids’ Kingdom, she remembered its name. What could she expect of a daycare full of hyperactive little children, some larger than her? High School had probably been a cakewalk compared to this.

“Sweety.”

Kim turned to her mother who handed her the puppy-backpack.

“I know you can’t wait to play with your little friends,” the adult said, “but try to be a big girl from time to time. In a bit more than a year you will be in elementary school with the other big kids.”

Kim wanted to shout at her to bring her back to her room, but knowing her mother would have seen this as throwing a tantrum she answered: “Yes mommy.”

Her mother took her free hand and led Kim into the building. It felt so odd. This giant hand holding hers and leading her like it was the most natural thing in the world … which it probably was. Again, she felt her dress too thin and feeble, with a sudden strong wind at once making the girl feel like she had shrunk again.

They reached the door and as her mother rang, Kim felt it loom over her like the gate of a horror-house, despite the colorful pictures of a bear, a caterpillar and a little octopus hanging on it. As the door opened, Kim nearly winced. It was no monster who greeted them though, but a kind looking older woman with slightly greying brown hair.

“Good morning Mrs. Robinson,” her mother greeted the other woman. “How are you?”

“Fine Maria, thank you. And you two?”

“We had to hurry a bit, Kim is a bit nervous.”

Kim stiffened. Both adults had greeted each other as if she wasn’t there, but this wasn’t what bothered her now. The way Mrs. Robinson asked would have gone over her five-year-old-self’s head, but she clearly understood, especially with the knowledge of how her mother’s health would later deteriorate.

“It is okay, how could it not be for this special day?” Kim’s mother said and looked down. “Don’t you want to say hello?”

“Hello Mrs. Robinson.” Kim said dutifully.

“Hello Kim,” Mrs. Robinson said in that sweet patronizing tone reserved for little children. “Why don’t you change your sandals, hang your backpack on your hook and hurry in the playroom? We're going to talk about some boring adult-stuff, you can go in the playroom. Your friends are already there waiting for you.”

That's what I'm fearing, Kim thought.

“Okay,” she said out loud.

Seeing the two women already looking at each other like she wasn’t there, Kim went to do as she was told like a good little girl. This was easier said than done though, since she had no idea where her hook was. To her surprise, she found herself losing her cool. Slowly she went to the mostly empty hooks, growing more desperate by the second. She shouldn’t be. It was stupid. Still, the idea of letting her mother and Mrs. Robinson know that she had no idea where to put her rucksack made her stomach feel cold and she even felt her eyes go wet.

Don’t cry!, Kim tried to admonish herself trying to sound reasonable. It is no big deal.

Except it felt like it, maybe because for her child self it was. This morning she already had had to accept being treated like a child and now being thought as a stupid child seemed too much to handle. Something in her mind longed for Mr. Fluff or even her mother hugging her. She had to bit her lip when thinking about what she still had to face today until she could be a ballerina … if they let her.

She felt seconds away from starting to bawl, when a look to the wall saved her. There were pictures over the hooks, so the children could find the one belonging to them. Relieved, Kim went past most of them, until she found the one with her picture over it. It was taken two years ago, when she had been three and Kim felt oddly relieved. The little girl smiled at her with childish glee in her rounder face, looked more like a toddler, while she at last looked like a preschooler. Compared to her former self she should be able to handle herself.

Kim hung her puppy-backpack at the hook and then slipped out of her sandals to get into her pink slippers with little ballerinas on each. They looked nice and were really comfy. For a brief moment she entertained the silly thought of wearing a pair like these in college. Looking up she saw her mother saying goodbye to Mrs. Robinson before turning to do the same with her. Kim waved back and felt a sting as the door closed behind her mother. It more than closed, as Mrs. Robinson locked it shut with a lock far above her reach or that of any other child.

Her way out blocked, Kim gathered her strength and step by step crept into the playroom. It turned out not to be the lunatic-asylum filled with screaming toddlers she imagined it to be. Indeed, right now she could see only two children playing with blocks and Duplo on a table near the wall to her right. Ignoring them she turned left and looked around. It seemed nearly peaceful. There was a large table, where they had their meals. On her right was a ball-pool. On the left a soft rug to sit on in the middle. Between, a climbing construct with a little slide. There were many boxes filled with toys, and soft little couches in one corner. The walls were filled with pictures of finger-paint and crayons as well as must have been projects done with scissors.

It should have been odd for someone going to college and for sure the colors felt sweet enough to give her caries, yet it was nice to finally be at a place where everything was scaled to her size and not for giants like outside. Besides, there was the faintest echo of recognition and just for a moment, Kim felt like returning to a beloved place. As she looked at the large window showing her the confined meadow with sand-pit and play-equipment’s, she even discovered a painting of a flower done with red, green and white finger-paint directly on the glass she remembered with clarity as her own work.

The connection with this little crude piece of art awoke a feeling in Kim she couldn’t identify. It even intensified as she noticed her weak mirror image in the window. A little girl looking at her and the little girl was her … A much larger shape appeared behind her mirror image.

“Kim.”

Startled Kim looked around, discovering Mrs. Robinson.

“Why don’t you go and play with the others?” Her caretaker asked.

Kim looked to the two boys playing at the table and then back at the adult. She recognized the order hidden in the soft words, so she nodded and hurried to the table. One of the two boys was blond, a bit younger than her and wore a Kermit-shirt and shorts. The other looked just as old as she was, had brown hair and wore a blue overall with a red car on the front. She had not even the vaguest idea who they were and felt like she could kick herself for not doing proper research as she had vowed to do by the previous jumps.

“Hi,” she greeted them.

The boy in the Kermit-shirt just starred at her before turning back to his blocks.

The other one didn’t look up from the little red toy-car he drove around the blocks, but uttered: “Huwo.”

Kim felt they were rude, but decided to shrug it off. They were just little kids and as opposed to them she could drive a real car … if her mother let her. Ignoring the boys just as they ignored her, Kim concentrated on the blocks, wondering what she could build. A model of her college? This was maybe too big-girl for around there. A model of her house? Perfect!

Kim was about to make the door, when she heard the sound of little feet running around. She didn’t look up, the tip of her tongue revealing itself on her lips in utter concentration, and was thus totally surprised when someone fell around her neck.

“KIM!” Someone shouted.

“UGH!” Kim replied.

The other giggled and let go of her, allowing Kim to get a look. It was a little girl around her age with light brown hair bound to two pigtails to the side of her head. She wore a shirt with a rainbow over a frock and grinned at Kim like was about to embrace her again.

“Hi?” Kim managed to say, for a moment unable to identify her.

“I couldn’t sleep and mommy and daddy let me sleep with them and I dreamed that I danced …”

The girl said this all without taking breath once. To show what she meant, the girl swirled around once, her arms raised in the gesture of a ballerina.

Something in Kim’s mind clicked. “Cathy.”

The other girl giggled and Kim smiled. Cathy had been her best friend in daycare. Not only this, but she was with her in the ballet-training and of course the event this evening.

“Wanna play kitchen?” The other girl asked.

Kim looked at the boys who paid the girls no mind and then her half-finished house. Somehow, staying would seem odd.

“Sure!”

Cathy smiled and hopped off to the little toy-kitchen a bit away, while Kim followed slower and more dignified. She had no idea what she had promised to play exactly, but the other girl was quick at hand, placing small pots and bowls around.

“I make the soup.” Cathy said, stirring in an empty pot.

“And I …” Kim pondered, before grabbing a bowl. “Make the pudding.”

“Meal first!” Cathy replied as if her friend should know it. “Our mommies will be angry if we have dessert too soon!”

Kim knew this had some truth in it.

“I make Spaghetti!” She decided.

“Yeah!” Her friend said with a wide smile.

Pretending to let water in the pot with the toy water tap, a thought crossed Kim’s mind. What if one of her friends could see her now? What if Susanne somehow opened the door and recognised her? She suddenly felt rather awkward and stupid, but looking around there was no one watching her, so she went on and the feeling slowly faded.

 

To be continued …

 

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