Ben There

Chapter 16
Early May; Tears, Fears, Warmth

Chapter Description: The changes keep coming in Benji's life

Early May; Shots, Fears, Warmth

The week after the fair was another one so full of new events, occurrences, and changes in Benji’s life, at least one each day, that it might sound like another terrible, awful, horrible week, but Benji never acted like he thought it was. His daddy had lowered the legs on his bed, so he could climb into it more quickly, and each night he was tucked in, and sung or hummed to while his tummy or back or head was petted, and he feel asleep smiling about the fun he’d had that day, or just because there were shinning stars on his ceiling, or because good dreams were coming his way.

Oh, he cried several times that week, but it’s all right to do that sometimes, and he only cried because something hurt, or because he was scared, and once because he was mad; but he never wasted a tear on anything as silly as the state of the world or things little boys had to do (though the timing was occasionally poor and a surprise, and that was what could made him mad and cry.)

But there were also two really nice things that happened at the very end of that week. The first, on Friday night, made him kind of nervous and funny feeling when he talked about it with his mama, but afterwards he thought it a wonderful thing. The second took place on the following Sunday afternoon. The old, big Ben would have been really excited about it; really, really excited; but that Ben would have felt frightened, queasy, and very uncomfortable in that situation too. The new, little Benji found it exciting as well, though for a different reason, and he wasn’t scared or anxious or uncomfortable at all.

Right after breakfast on Monday morning, the changes started. He walked out to Danielle’s car after breakfast (No, she didn’t carry him this time), and his booster seat had been replaced by Monique’s old, deep, hard sided safety seat.

Benji put his shoulders up to his ears and said, "I guess, I little enough to gotta use this kind, huh?"

"Yep, you sure are, Curly."

Benji huffed a big huff and sighed a big sigh, and let his shoulders fall and climbed into his new seat, accepting the inevitable. It was deep and soft, and it had its own cup holder! Now he wouldn’t have to empty his juice cup before he left for school.

His mama didn’t have a new car seat for him though. He discovered that on Wednesday when they went grocery shopping. But she had turned his old one around so that it faced the back. That meant that now he could look at Kathy while they were riding and talking, and he liked talking to Kathy a lot; she was funny and fun. And when shopping this time, she decided to push the shopping cart rather than ride in it, because that way they could joke around more, and she could pick up the toy car he almost always had with him if he dropped it from the cart’s little seat. Benji also kept learning about new, neat things Kathy could do, like build real big walls and towers with his new wooden blocks, and he was impressed with how well she did on puzzles and how well she could color now.

There were changes to the furniture inside too, not just in the cars. While he’d had to use some big books to sit on at the table before, now he got his own special chair to use; it was higher than the others and had a tray that could hook onto the arms that he might use sometimes. Stepstools appeared in his upstairs bathroom and in the little bathroom downstairs. (He could reach those to teetee just fine, but the stools made it a lot easier; it meant he was shooting down, rather than forward.) And, on Thursday, about five hours too late, his daddy brought home some new toilet lids with an extra ring with a smaller hole and put them on the potties he used.

The day before that, his daddy put shelves and a red door on his yellow desk. They went where his legs used to go, and the desk’s legs were raised too. His mama put a terry covered pad on top of it and a new rail on the front. He didn’t learn why until bed time when she sat him there to get him ready; it was so she wouldn’t have to bend over so far to get him all creamed and powdered, the way she did when they used the bed. His old desk chair was put in the attic and a new, big chair with lots of cushions was moved into his room. It could rock too, and was going to be great for story times.

Story time was another thing that went through a big change that week. After they finished the Paddington book, Kathy picked one about a whole bunch of people that went though a closet or something to somewhere else, and Benji thought had too many people in it; they were hard to keep track of. It was decided that they would split story times; one would have it with daddy and the other with mama each night. That meant that Benji could read two or three books a night now, and his favorite was about a bear that got a pocket in his overalls, until he found out about Carl, a big, nice dog, whose books he could read all by himself still because they didn’t have any words. But it was more fun to point things out in the pictures to his daddy and mama.

On Tuesday morning he got his usual shot, and he cried. Before now his eyes had watered up, and he’d had to hold his mouth tight around his thumb to hold in the sobs, but that wasn’t what he meant by crying anymore. This time he didn’t stop the sobs and let the tears come. It had hurt! Nurse Abrams held him and told him crying was OK, and he knew it was, and she told him he was still tough and strong, but he wasn’t so sure he believed that any more.

Danielle, who had come with him from the junior school again, heard his sobs and came into the scale room to help. She took him from the nurse and rocked back and forth with him on her knee.

When Benji’s sobs slowed, she wiped his eyes and said, "It’s OK, Curly. They hurt, but you know they’re good for you."

"No, no. Bad. Hurt and make little. And sad."

"Ohhh, you’re not always sad, are you? I’ve seen you laugh and smile and have fun, a lot, a lot, a lot, a lot, a lot." And she jiggled him with each ’lot’.

"Nuh-uh."

"Uh-huh! Just think back to when you were big. I couldn’t hold you. We couldn’t even hold hands in the courtyard. You couldn’t bring Growl or Higgins to school. Once upon a time, you didn’t even think you could hug Higgins."

"Nuh-uh." He really didn’t remember ever thinking a silly thing like that.

"Uh-huh. And people couldn’t even tell you you were cute back then either." She wiped the last tear from his face and said, "’OK, your bottom feel better now? Ready to get dressed, cutie?"

Benji nodded, but as she sat him on the countertop, he grabbed one more hug from her.

As she pushed his underpants up his legs, she said, "So, you’re not mad that I got to see your bottom this time, Curly. I remember the last time that I saw it. You ran from the room."

"Nobody get mad when see now. So ’K."

"Oh, is that the reason you didn’t like to show it? Really, Benji?"

"Uh-huh." He didn’t really remember what embarrassment was. He wasn’t even embarrassed about crying today and didn’t mind that people had seen him do that, though he remembered he had been proud when he didn’t cry about shots, sort of like when he finished a hard puzzle all by himself.

Danielle said, "Well, you still better not show it too much. With a bottom that looks as sweet as yours, someone might want to take a bite out of it, thinking it’s candy."

"Nah-uh! People don’t do that there!"

"They sure might when they see yours, Curly." She had just slipped his shirt over his head and was about to guide his arms into the sleeves, but she paused to blow a big raspberry on his stomach, right on his bellybutton and, by the time he had stopped giggling, all of Benji’s present tribulations were well in the past.

However, his trials of the day were not over. He still had to get back to the junior school and, because he had taken longer at the nurse’s today, they entered the hallway between upper school classes, and it was swamped with great big kids. Danielle picked him up so he wouldn’t get trampled. After only four steps some girl rubbed his head and said, "Wow! What a little cutie," as she walked past.

Within just ten steps four more people, including a teacher, had touched his head as they went bye, and another girl had said, "Hi, pumpkin," and even a boy had said, "What a munchkin, Danielle!" and Benji had had to hide his head on Danielle’s shoulder. But to that point everyone had been in a hurry, then they got near the lunchroom; here there were people who didn’t need to be somewhere else in four minutes.

A whole group of girls walked over, and one said, "Gee, Danielle, where did you find him?! He’s a doll!"

Danielle said, "He’s from the junior school, but they’re not all like this one."

Benji knew she was just hiding the fact that he was shrunken, and that’s why she said he was in the junior school.

Another girl said, "Can I carry him a little bit? He’s beautiful." And Danielle just let this strange girl take him, like he should trust her or something. He didn’t get mad or fight, but he did get rigid for the first few minutes she held him.

A different girl said, "And what’s your name, little guy."

Benji said, "Ben." That’s what he had been called in this building, always. But Danielle said, "A K A: Benji."

And yet another girl said, "You gotta find a beautiful baby contest. He’s a sure winner!"

Benji was getting annoyed enough to ignore the stranger anxiety he felt, and Danielle had shown trust in these people. He said, "I not baby. I wha’-ee big."

"Oh, and how old are you - real-ee?"

Benji had learned to deal with a lot of this little kid stuff, and pretend about a lot more, but putting up with being called a baby (by anyone but his mama) was not among those things. He forgot about not talking about his age, he was so peeved, and he said, "Fife-teen. Gonna have bird-day an’ be sixteen."

"Oh! And can you count to sixteen."

"Uh-huh."

"Go ahead. One. Two..."

Benji did not want that girl’s help starting. He pointed to his fingers as he said, "One. Two. Twee. Four. Five. (He switched hands and started with the pinky.) Sex. ummm..."

Danielle whispered, "Seven."

"I know!" And he swatted his hand at her. "Seben. ummm. umm. Eight!! Nine. Ten. Elven. ugh. ummm."

"Twelve," was whispered to him.

"Twelve. Twee-teen. Four-ten. Five-ten. Six-ten. See!!" He knew he had passed that silly test with flying colors, and he received a light round of applause from his assembled fans.

One of the girls said, "You are totally adorable! Did you know that?"

Benji said, "Uh-huh."

How could he not know that? What he didn’t know was that any four year old being carried down that hall, at that time of day, would have heard exactly the same kinds of things, and most would have heard them almost as often too.

*************

On Thursday something horrible happened. It made him scream and holler and cry and, for the first time during the whole week, he thought the whole world was built to be unfair and mean to little boys, and for the first time during the whole week, he was ready to be all big again right away.

He was just using the facilities of his own home; he had to do a number two that afternoon while he’d been working with his blocks and Vicky and Kathy were still doing homework. He went in, and he’d already figured out (all by himself) that it worked better if he stood on his new stool before he pulled his shorts and underwear down, but his feet didn’t reach even the stool while he was sitting.

He did his business, and then reached out for the toilet paper, and he had to stretch way out for it. But he got some. Then he leaned back quickly. He slipped, backwards, too far. His bottom slid through the hole, and his bottom was in the commode, and he screamed. And he wiggled and went in further, and his bottom was wet. And he couldn’t get up. And he yelled, and he slipped further down.

And Kathy came in, and she yanked on his arms, but his knees were almost pointed straight up to the sky, and that pulling didn’t help. He yelled louder. And Vicky got there, and she could lift him out, and he screamed more, and they both hugged him, but that didn’t do anything, because this was all just way, way toooo, gaaa, damm, figgin’, tooo much!

Maggie finally got upstairs and from the door she said, "And just what has my little knight gotten his self into now."

And this was rescue! This was a haven from the evil world, because, though Benji now saw Vicky and Kathy as amazing creatures who could do all kinds of things, they weren’t grown-ups, and their arms weren’t big enough to envelop him.

Kathy said, "He fell into it and got stuck, and there’s poop on his butt."

Maggie had picked him up without any worries about the poop on his bottom and was patting his back, and Benji had stopped screaming but wasn’t close to stopping crying yet.

She chuckled and said, "Well now, that would be a sight to see, wasn’t it, little man? And just how did that happen?"

Maggie’s laughter, more than anything, made him feel better. He knew she wouldn’t do that if his ordeal wasn’t completely over, but he still couldn’t tell her the answer to her question.

Maggie said, "Could you turn on the tub, little mama, and let’s get little bwana all cleaned up." She didn’t always call Kathy ’little mama’, sometimes she was ’Flitter’, and sometimes ’Angus’ (a long story).

Vicky said, "Do you want me to give him a bath, Maggie?"

Benji grabbed Maggie even tighter.

"No, I do not, Nightingale. (aka: Ms Maid and Georgia (that one’s about favorite colors, flowers and O’Keeffe, not the country or state.)), it is high time that I be about washing Benjamin Christopher’s bottom. But you can be about getting our octopus’s little shoes and pants off his feet, because he’s not ready to let me loose just yet."

By the time all his clothes except his shirt had been removed, Benji was ready to let Maggie clean the outside of his bottom, provided she didn’t let go of him, and when the outside was done, he let her hold him with his head pointed down across her arm to get to the more intimate parts; in fact when he was hanging that way, he laughed.

Neither Kathy nor Vicky was ready to abandon their brother this near to his trauma, so both took seats on the countertop, and they heard the funny story Maggie told while she bathed Benji, because she was not the kind of person that could be doing only one thing at a time unless it kept her moving about. The story was about a boy that fell into a magic pool (which did not have poop in it) and got turned into a girl, and everyone laughed, and Benji laughed the loudest because all was right with the world again. They also discussed Benji’s future bathroom habits, and it was decided it would be a very good idea if someone always came with him and helped him go potty now.

Kathy said, "Can I take him? I don’t mind wiping."

Maggie said, "Flitter, you watch others two times, then you do it alone. But now, it be serious business, you know? Not a thing to play about." And Benji had no problems with the idea of Kathy doing that, or anyone doing that; it was better than having to sit on that scary thing alone!

*************

Friday was sandbox day, and this time Benji had a backhoe to take to school. However, he also wet the bed, or the nap pad, during rest period on only the forth time he’d ever fallen asleep at school. Another boy and a girl had done the same thing, but they were wearing nightpants for their nap. Some other little kids had to go with them to take off their nightpants too, though they were dry on that day. But, unfortunately, Benji hadn’t been wearing special pants because it was his first time; fortunately, his mama had sent a change of clothes to the school, and it was Amber’s day to help out in that room and get all of them cleaned up and changed.

None of this was of any concern to Benji however, and if Maggie didn’t look in his backpack everyday anyway, his bag of wet clothes might have stayed in it all weekend. He had many more important things to talk about that afternoon and evening: sandbox day, backhoes and bulldozers, building blocks, new songs,...

The event of the day that bothered him most was his mama telling him he couldn’t have his nightly cup of milk before bath time. That was a disturbing innovation, but she assured him he could have something right after they were done reading.

They sat in the rocking chair in his room to read, and once they had read about Corduroy’s pocket again, and five funny rhymes, and looked at Carl taking care of the baby twice, Benji’s mama asked him if he remembered seeing Cyndi last Saturday.

Benji said, "Uh-huh."

"And do you remember her drinking special milk her mama made?"

"Uh-huh."

"I can make special milk for my babies too. Did you know that?"

"Nah-uh."

"Would you like to try some?"

"’K. Is it down?" (He dropped a whole syllable and meant downstairs.)

"Nope. It’s right in me. Remember how Cyndi drank it?"

"I too big."

"Well, puppy dog, some people might think so, but I don’t at all. Kathy drank that way when she was bigger than you are now."

"She did?"

"Uh-huh. And Vicky did until she was almost as big as you. But last time you were little, you didn’t get to for very long because I didn’t know any better."

"But I not be little berry long."

"I know. No one ever is, sweetie. But you can drink it like that while you are. Both your sisters used to call it snuzzeling. You didn’t have a word because you stopped so early. Would you like to snuzzel, baby heart."

"Is being baby though."

"Not a real, real baby like Carl takes care of. Just a little boy baby, and you are so, so good at pretending to be a little boy, you can pretend to be little enough to snuzzel."

Benji held his breath and didn’t say anything yet. His mama opened her blouse and, for the first time in a long, long time, Benji saw a breast up close. He put his fingers on the nipple, and his mama said, "Put your mouth there, baby. It’s almost like with a passie, but try sucking in different ways too, like you are chewing sticky candy. But don’t bite, please, sweetie."

And Benji did, and he was unsure. Little tiny babies did this! But not only little tiny babies. He could pretend - for a minute.

Then the milk started flowing, and it was warm, and his mama was holding and petting him, and the milk made him feel warm, and the warmth flowed all the way down to his toes. His eyes closed and all he felt was the warmth, inside warmth.

When he stopped, his mama said, "Was it good, good baby?"

His grin was all the answer she needed or got, and she carried him to his bed. When he was tucked in she said, "We can do that again in the mornings and every night. And at nap times too, if you want, and we’re together. You can even take some to school, but this special milk has to be drunk from a bottle, OK?"

Benji nodded (he could use a baby bottle for this), and his mama started humming "Mockingbird". But he said, "How long I can do that?"

"Till you’re too big again to want to."

She hummed again until he said, "How long I stay little?"

"Not really very long, baby."

"Oh."