Glass Of The Lonely

Chapter 1
Glass Of The Lonely

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Chapter Description: If you have nothing in life, can you ever attain what you need?

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Lonely in the glass

Lonely in the heart

Lonely in life

Christmas Day:

A glass sits in the drainer, a single glass. Next to it is a single plate and next to that is a single fork and a single knife, alone with no others. The glass has several smears from where her fingers had held it after being washed and set in the drainer to dry, a light smear that is almost faint in the kitchen’s soft light.

The smear is a faint reminder of someone who feels so invisible.

The light is switched off and the smear disappears in the darkness. The person moves through to their small living room and with a quiet sigh, sits down on their two seat sofa and curls up, a hand reaching for the television remote.

The screen on the television changes several times, the person unable to find anything worth bothering with. After a short time of this the television goes dark and the person pushes themselves up from the sofa and goes through to another room, an equally small bedroom, and undresses.

Once undressed, and dressing again into their nightclothes, the person pulls the covers back on the bed and slips in. They look over to the alarm clock that has no alarm set, the time shows that it is merely after nine at night.

“Merry Christmas, Laura” The person says to themselves quietly. “Another lonely day complete and another to come, nothing ever changes in that regard despite my best efforts. Make a wish, oh wait, what would be the point? The wish is always the same – please can’t I have more to my life than this loneliness?” The person, a woman in her early thirties with soft brunette hair, deep brown eyes and an average figure, sighs quietly.

“But what hope is there of such a wish coming to someone as sinful as me? No one wants a thing around” Reaching for the bedside light, since the main light was already off, Laura Jenny Leirs turns the light off, turns in bed to face the wall on the other side of her bed and forces herself to sleep in the hopes that she may never wake.

~~

A little over thirty two years ago Laura, barely a few hours old at the time, was found wrapped in newspapers and a blanket on the steps of a hospital, there was a short note with no name saying – ‘I can’t’ – and nothing else.

Attempts to find her mother had failed, as well as attempts to find her father and any relatives. She was named by the nurses who had found her and placed into an orphanage a week later once she was examined for any injuries and ill health.

Laura was brought up in the orphanage and from an early age she had a very cruel and harsh explanation for her being in the orphanage, one that was drummed into her by two very religious and cruel orphanage workers – that she was born of sin and for that she was a sinful creature that no one wanted, loved and cared about.

Laura came to believe this as for years she watched as other children were adopted by families and she was always passed over, always unwanted. Every time a child at the orphanage was adopted, and she was still waiting with a dying hope that she would be accepted by a family who would love her and care for her, the two women would continue to drum the harsh explanation into her.

As she entered puberty and grew into the beautiful woman she was to become, a religious man came to work at the orphanage and he also drummed the harsh explanation into her while saying that his ‘examinations’ were done in the name of God while he would fondle her developing body during medical examinations due to his being one of the doctor’s hired to work there.

She came to believe him, even more so when the fondling would become more than fondling. She came to believe that she was a vile, disgusting and sinful creature that deserved only pain and loneliness.

At the age of 18, with only a limited education and no family nor finical support, Laura left the orphanage.

Unable to attend a college nor improve her education even though she was noted to have a keen intellect, Laura tried to find comfort by giving herself over to men who cared nothing for her as a person.

Early into that life she learned how to tune out the men while they had their way with her, and she found no comfort in their false embrace.

She only saw herself as a vile creature and that she was only good for being punished for being born.

Laura is now thirty two years old, she has left her misguided search for comfort in the past but she still punishes herself for existing. And she is still very much alone despite her efforts to make friends.

No one ever wishes to be around her however for reasons unknown, and due to this she feels invisible.

Due to this she continues to believe that she is only born for pain and loneliness. After all it isn’t like anyone ever tries to help her, no one cares.

~~

Boxing Day:

Again the single glass sits in the dryer, this time beside a single bowl and a single spoon. Again the indication of finger prints and a thumb print can be seen from where the glass was held by a hand.

In the cloud obscured light streaming through the kitchen window, the kitchen itself still somewhat dark, the prints seem to fade away. Almost invisible.

Her stomach slightly sated with an undesired breakfast, Laura slips her flat soled trainers on, since she dislikes high heels and anything that pushes her feet into an uncomfortable position, shrugs her coat on and looks at herself in a mirror in her hallway of the small flat she lives in.

She notes her features, her eyes, her hair. She touches her face lightly, fluffs her a hair a little to free it from the cuff of the coat, and looks again at her reflection.

“The mirror sees me, no one else does” She whispers to herself before turning away, unlocking the door and heading out, locking the door once she’s left the flat.

As expected for a day known for the enforcement of yet more capitalist enforced greed where people are exposed to constant images of products and ordered to spend vast amounts of money that they most likely do not even have, the streets are packed with people and vehicles and the noise is as expected.

She does her best to tune it out due to the amount of people talking, the occasional sound of music and the sounds of various vehicles. Noise was always so connected to life.

People bump into her but don’t apologise, they just bump her and walk by without looking back. They don’t look at her and she feels as invisible as ever amongst so many people. She sees her reflection in a shop window as proof that she isn’t invisible, so why were people bumping into her as if they didn’t see her?

She pushes her way through the large mass of people and stops once she’s close to the shop in the one spot she can freely move in. A voice can be heard close to her.

“Spare some change?” She looks down to see a young woman who looks to be over a decade younger than herself. The young woman doesn’t see her, she is curled up against the wall underneath a window with a large sale sign and she is holding a tattered looking blanket around herself in an effort to ward off the chill of the season.

From what Laura can see from a casual observation, the young woman does not look to be on drugs, nor addicted to alcohol. She only looks to be truly homeless and struggling. Perhaps she is a runaway from home or an orphanage, hard to tell.

Whatever the young woman’s reasons for being on the streets in such a bad way, Laura identified with her plight and takes her purse from her handbag. Before she opens it though, she takes out a piece of paper and a pen – something she always keeps with her due to how people tend to treat her like she is invisible – and writes a small message after tearing some of the paper away.

Then opening her purse she takes out as much as she feels she can spare and together with the note, she pushes the items into the young woman’s hands. The young woman doesn’t look at her, nor thank her, but she acknowledges what she has been given and in an empty voice says “Thank you” even though she does not see who she is saying thank you to.

“Welcome, read the message” Laura replies kindly, hoping that the young woman hears her voice, before getting up and pushing her way through the mass of people again.

Later:

That night, the young woman does read the message. Written quickly, but carefully, the message says:

“Whatever the reasons for being out here like this, please return to wherever you ran from if you have run away. If you are lucky to have parents, then return to them. If they are abusive however, then please head to a refuge, head somewhere where you can be safe and warm. No one sees people like us because to them we are invisible, unworthy of their attention. But I can see you and I don’t want you to turn out like me, so please, swallow your pride and do the right thing so that you can live life and be visible again”

Upon reading this and pondering over the message, the young woman picks herself up from the dark doorway she is huddling in and pushes her cold and sore body towards a homeless refuge she saw but passed due to a fear of them returning her to her parents who were likely worried about her.

A small voice in her mind tells her to keep going, to seek what warmth she can. Even if it means returning home and facing her mistakes that lead her to living on the streets.

It had to be better than being invisible.

Earlier:

With effort and a lot of unheard ‘Excuse me’ being said, Laura finally manages to push her way through the mass of people and stops at her destination, a shop that had caught her attention when she had entered the main shop filled centre of the town.

The sign alone is eye-catching, a flashy affair with red, green and blues all working together to attract the eye of anyone in the area and people are going in and out of the shop.

She felt drawn to the shop, not just due to the sign, but due to a feeling that she might find something here to cheer herself up. And she needed a cheer-up.

With some effort due to the amount of people coming and going, Laura enters the shop and moves to one of the few more open spots within the shop. The shop itself is of an average size with a fair number of items on shelves and placed around in accordance to size.

She waits a little bit until the path to a large wooden counter is available and she moves towards it, occasionally having to say ‘excuse me’ when making her way there.

“Finally!” A male voice says as she nears the counter. “You were expected here ages ago! Just climb over the counter, I’ve got what you need in the back. Karen, Kate, tend to the costumers! I’m going to help Laura here!” Two female voices can be heard in reply and Laura looks at the man. He is of a slight build, dusty dark blonde hair with a hint of grey on the sides, his eyes are bright and quick with a blue and slightly red hint to them. He looks to be maybe an inch or two taller than her.

“I’m sorry, but I’ve never met you before. This is the first time I’ve ever been in here” Laura stammers in surprise, the surprise more in that he had seen her without looking through her like most did.

“I know you haven’t, but I know what you’re here for. It’s been here since you were born. I was hoping you would pick it up a lot sooner by now, but oh well, you’re here now so that is what matters. Now please, climb over the counter and I’ll go get what you’re here for” The man replies, his voice is a soft one with a strong tone. It is also a warm voice and she finds that she might be able to trust him even though what he is saying isn’t making any sense.

“Over the counter, Laura, just jump on over!” The man beckons to her. Looking around and wondering why no one is even noticing, Laura decides to let her guard down. Placing her hands on the counter, she pushes herself up and over quickly. No one even reacts, no one sees her as she flips over the counter easily, to her own surprise, and lands on the other side cleanly.

“Good to see that you have a bit of your mother in you after all. Now come on” The man heads through to the back through a door and Laura follows him, had he said what she thought he said?

“How do you know my mum?” She calls after him as she follows him.

“Met her before you were born, a little on the uppity side but she was a nice person. She was so worried that she wouldn’t be a good mother that she asked me if I knew a way to ensure you would have some happiness in your life should things go downhill. Which of course they did. It took some doing but I found exactly what you would be needing. Over here” The man stops and indicates over to a covered something, it was a fair size.

Approaching it slowly, Laura reaches out for the cloth cover then stops.

“Do you know where she is? Did she hate me? If she loved me then why did she abandon me when I was born?” The man indicates over to the covered object again.

“She was young, scared. She didn’t have anyone else to turn to but me and I couldn’t do much for her but prepare what you needed. As for where she is, well I don’t think you’ll want to know” She turns to the man, her eyes demanding an answer.

“Your mother is where she is meant to be, Laura, and if you look for her you will only harm yourself and her. As lonely as you are and as depressed as you are, you will not find happiness by looking for her. Your happiness is in the very thing that your mother asked me to prepare for you” Again he indicates towards the covered object.

“It’s yours, have a look”

Turning back to the covered object, Laura wonders if her mother had always known about the life her daughter would have, if she had known about the loneliness, the abuse and the life long misery.

A surge of anger fills her at the thought that her mother, her own mother, had set her daughter up for such a painful life. And then the anger melts away when the thought that her mother had been scared and uncertain of just how good a life she could give to her daughter came to her thoughts.

Was her mother deserving of pity or hatred? Surely she could have fought her fears and raised her daughter with as much love and care as she could muster as a mother, surely?

Was this object the only gift she would ever have from her mother beyond being born? Not that her life was much of a gift in her eyes. But could this covered object really be the very thing that could help Laura to no longer feel invisible?

Her thoughts swirling with thoughts of the mother she had never gotten to know, Laura reaches for the object, grips the cover and pulls.

~~

First Night:

Again, in the artificial light of the kitchen, the lonely glass sits in the dryer. Again the finger prints indicating that she existed were on the glass from where her fingers had held it. Again a lonely plate and a lonely knife and fork are beside it.

“Why did you abandon me, mum? What were you so scared of that you left your own daughter who needed you? Am I truly a sinful thing that I had to be abandoned and denied all chances of happiness?” The three questions rattle around her thoughts as she tries, in vain, to keep her mind focused on anything but her loneliness and the questions about her past.

After several hours of this she switches off the TV and goes to bed, the questions still rattling around her thoughts.

When she enters her bedroom she looks over to the object that had been waiting for her at the shop. The artificial light of the bedroom glints off it’s polished glass and the wood borders give a well polished shine in the light.

She couldn’t understand how a mirror could give her any happiness in life, it was just a mirror.

After dressing for bed, she stands in front of the mirror and lightly touches the glass. It feels warm to her touch, a gentle warmth.

“Strange notion of happiness” She mummers before switching the light off and slipping under the covers.

~

Hands reach up and she can feel soft clothing on her body and something soft and thick between her legs, it feels a little damp as well. She doesn’t mind that though, it feels right to her and she knows that someone will tend to her very shortly.

She hears a mix of noises and realises that they are coming from her, there is no structure to the sounds, they are random sounds in an attempt at speaking. The dampness starts to become uncomfortable and she gives a loud sound, crying.

A gentle voice can be heard and she stops crying at the sound of the voice, that gentle, soothing voice who always tended to her needs. Hands lift her and she reaches for the person who has lifted her up.

She was finally happy.

~

Second Night:

Work had been a waste of time. As usual any of her work was either ignored or taken by others who took all the credit while she continued to be invisible. Whenever she voiced her feelings about this she was ignored, as if she wasn’t even there.

And the same routine happens once again after work. Only there is a slight difference.

“Why can I still remember that dream? Why do I still feel elements of it like the comfort? Maybe I’m just stressed, I could be over analysing things” But the feelings persist and when she goes to bed at the usual time, the dream returns.

~

Her legs feel weak as she attempts to stand. She tries to balance herself but fails as she falls backwards onto the thick padding around her groin. The impact makes her giggle and makes her feel safe at the same time, a feeling she loves.

“My little angel, trying to grow up so fast. Don’t be in a rush to grow up, sweetie, enjoy being innocent since it can be gone so quickly” She crawls towards the voice that had spoken to her, she wanted to be held again.

Sitting back on her padded backside, she raises her arms to be lifted and her request is granted.

~

Third Night:

No one had spoken to her again, even though she had made every effort to engage them in conversation as she always did. As usual however she had spent the day working and being unheard, just a normal day.

Tomorrow most but herself would be celebrating the coming new year, while she hadn’t been invited since no one even looked her way. Why did they ignore her so much? She wasn’t unpleasant in any way.

So why did they ignore her?

~

So many colours and sounds around her, so many things to learn about. She grips a fuzzy feeling cube, her tiny fingers gripping as tightly as able. Then she raises it to her mouth and chews on it, the feeling of the object on her tongue fascinates her.

Dropping the fuzzy cube, she crawls over to a soft toy and does the same thing. There were so many sensations, so much to learn. And she loved it.

~

Fourth Night:

She can hear the celebrations outside and on the TV, so many people getting drunk and who would feel it in the morning.

She listens as she prepares what she needs to end her loneliness. The bottle of cyanide sits next to a bottle of whiskey, she can’t stand whiskey but it would help with drowning her sorrows as she dies. If she was meant to be invisible then she may as well cease to live.

“Some life” Fingers reach for the bottle of cyanide, then stop. Pushing herself up from the sofa she enters her bedroom, as if compelled to do so.

She stops at the mirror and reaches out for it.

“Happiness requested, happiness given” A voice says in her thoughts and the mirror seems to ripple, pulling her towards the glass. She doesn’t fight it, only lets it pull her forwards into the mirror.

~~

A feeling like moving through heavy blankets can be felt, then that disappears and she finds herself in what appears to be a living room. Although the design is unusual and unlike anything she has ever seen before, the furniture is shaped in almost organic ways and the walls are a soft colour that make her feel warm.

She steps forward and realises that something is happening, her clothes are changing and she looks down to see her night clothes melt away to leave her naked for a moment. Her nakedness ends however when first a thick, soft white garment appears between her legs. It puffs up considerably and she gives a soft sigh of comfort from the feelings, it is so soft against her skin. A t-shirt appears on her torso a second later, forming into something that seemed almost babyish in design.

Running her hands down her body in amazement, she stops to pat the thick nappy between her legs.

“That feels good” She whispers, and then she realises that the floor seems to be getting a lot closer and while still looking down, she watches in amazement as her breasts melt away to leave her chest flat. Her hands reach out and she watches as her hands and fingers become smaller, baby fat appearing on them. She looks at her feet and notices the same thing happening to them.

She looks at her arms and legs and notices that baby fat has also appeared on them. Unsure on if she should be shocked or amazed, Laura looks around and notices that the room is a lot bigger now.

“I’m ikkle!” She cries out, surprised at how childish her vocabulary has become, as well as her mental understanding of everything around her. She attempts to move her legs only for them to give out under her and cause her to fall onto her padded backside, the impact making her giggle at the feeling of it.

“Welcome home, sweetie” A voice says and she looks up to see a woman above her, she was so beautiful and looked maybe a decade younger or so than herself.

“Ma ma!” Laura calls out, the reaction surprises her. Why did she consider this woman to be her mother?

“For as long as you need” The woman says as she lifts Laura up from the ground and holds her gently, a hand patting her nappy.

“Bu’ how?” Laura asks, her tongue feeling clumsy to her as she tries to speak.

“Love, sweetie, a lot of love”

The woman sets Laura down in a playpen and sits nearby. Laura attempts to stand again only to fall due to her weak legs. Since walking was out of the question she decides to crawl.

“Are you here to exchange?” A voice asks her and she looks, awkwardly, around to see two toddlers around the same age as herself.

“Exchange?” She asks, surprised at how clearly she could understand the other toddler and how clearly her voice was coming out when talking to the toddler.

“Yes, me and my wife are ready to leave now. But we can only leave if we exchange with someone else” Crawling over to the two toddlers, Laura awkwardly shifts her weight so that she can sit, the feeling of the nappy from her movements making her feel as young as she now was.

“Leave? Where are we? How did I become a baby?” As she asks this, she feels a small squirt of liquid shoot into her nappy. Instead of being disgusted however, she finds she likes the feeling. She had no control over aspects of her body and she didn’t mind it at all, if anything she found it soothing.

“This place is another universe, here the human race has evolved to become true immortals. But at a cost, their evolution has taken away their ability to reproduce. So in order to still be able to care for children they open portals into other universes via mirrors, then they invite a person over. Once the person enters this universe they become an infant, and they can only grow back to around ten to eleven years old and then back to infancy on the very onset of puberty. We remain as children and are cared for, all of our needs are tended to and the humans of this universe are able to feel contentment from their long lives while tending to children. But the catch is that we can never leave unless we exchange with someone else, because when someone leaves they die due to the different time variances between the universes” The female toddler replies, before looking down. “Peed again” The toddler gets up awkwardly and waddles over to the lip of the playpen, raising her arms so that the woman can help her.

The male toddler watches as she is tended to before speaking.

“Me and my wife have been here for about two hundred years or so, we entered this universe without realising what the catch was because we wanted to be together for a lot longer than life was giving us. We also wished to be young again. When we arrived here we became young again, very young, and as wonderful as it has been to be cared for and tended to, we are ready to leave and face our deaths, together. But we need someone to be willing to stay here in our place” The female toddler is placed back in the play pen after her nappy change and she waddles awkwardly over to her toddler husband, dropping down beside him and giggling from the impact of her thick nappy when she lands.

“Do you not like it here?” Laura asks.

“We love it here, but we have been alive a lot longer than we intended. Living beyond your years can be a very terrifying thing” The female toddler replies after she and her husband hug one another.

“But isn’t the thought of dying even more terrifying? You’ll cease to exist if you leave, here you can exist and be loved and cared for, you can’t get that on the other side where it’s all hard and lonely and everyone ignores you” Her nappy becomes a little warmer and she coos, this was nice.

“Mortals were never meant to be long lived. We are ready to die and we face it without any fear. If you do not wish to exchange then we understand, I’m sure we can be playmates for a few centuries” Laura feels the floodgates open and her nappy becomes soaked, she coos at the feeling.

“Need changed” Laura says before her body’s instincts at it’s new age kick in – she cries.

She gurgles happily as the woman cleans her and places a new, dry nappy between her legs. Once fastened and secured, the woman cuddles her and sings to her quietly before placing her back down in the play pen after a pat of her nappy.

“Mummy will be right here, sweetie, enjoy your innocence” Laura babbles her thanks and crawls back over to the other two toddlers.

“From your expression and behaviour you enjoyed that” The male toddler comments.

“Very much, I thought it would be weird and scary but I feel so loved and content. I haven’t felt that since, well, never. My mum abandoned me when I was born and I was raised really badly, I’ve never had love and comfort in my life. Now I can though and it’s wonderful” For emphasis she pats her nappy with a chubby hand and giggles at the sound and feeling.

“It is wonderful. But for us it’s been happening for a while and as wonderful as paradise can be, you soon yearn to be away from paradise” Laura nods, understanding and accepting what they’re saying. What had their lives before coming here been like? Had they been happy lives or not? It was hard to tell.

“Well I don’t have anything to return to, a life where I’m pretty much invisible isn’t exactly a life I want to go back to. Back it’s unfair that you will die, surely there must be some way to return there and still be together alive and well?” The two toddlers shake their heads.

“No, there isn’t. Just as it will be for you when the time comes when you wish to leave, we will die upon leaving this place. But don’t feel sorry for us, don’t feel any sorrow. We had fulfilling lives before we arrived here and we’ve had lives of comfort since arriving here” They hug again, their love of one another as strong as when they were adults.

“All good things must come to an end then? I guess no one will care that I’ve disappeared on the other side, no one will notice I’m gone. And it was a miserable, lonely life” Looking over to the woman who she regards as her mother, Laura recalls all the times while she was growing up when she prayed that she would be adopted, or that her mother would appear and take care of her.

She had a chance of something she never had on the other side, even if it meant that she would never be a grown up again. What was the loss of adulthood compared to finally being loved and cared for by someone who truly wanted to be there for her? Soiled nappies and being incapable of doing many things seemed a small price to pay compared to a life of loneliness that would only end in her taking her own life so that she could be free of it.

Her mother had truly given her a chance, and all she had to do was take it.

“Be at peace” Laura says as she looks back at the two toddlers. “I’ll exchange”

~~

The woman places the two toddlers down at the mirror that leads back to the other side and indicates to where Laura needs to place a hand so that she can make the exchange.

The mirror was so big to her, just like everything else. She looks over to the two toddlers who are waiting to leave, they are holding hands and despite the clothing – thick nappies and toddler clothes – the love they have for one another as adults can be seen in their holding hands.

Crawling to where her new mother had indicated her to place her hand, Laura reaches out and her tiny hand touches the area lightly. The mirror comes to life.

“Thank you for giving us the chance to leave, may you be at peace here and may you find your happiness in your new life” Helping one another to stand as best as their young legs will allow, the two toddlers waddle to the mirror. They look back at the woman who has been their carer for so long and they smile.

“Thank you for the comfort and care, take good care of your new child. She needs to be loved” Awkwardly they step into the mirror and disappear, still holding hands.

~

On the other side of the mirror, two shapes appear. The shapes are hazy, but detailed enough to show a male and a female, both as adults, in adult sized toddler clothing and adult sized thick nappies.

They are still holding hands and as they fade away to wherever their souls are destined to go, they kiss for a final time.

The mirror goes dark and the two souls fade away completely.

~

Laura crawls over to her new mother who picks her up gently.

“Ma ma” Laura says happily as her mother cuddles her.

“My kind angel” Her mother replies, looking down at her daughter with love in her eyes.

“This is what I’ve needed” Laura thinks to herself as she snuggles against her mother. “Thank you, mum” With a little yawn, Laura closes her eyes and falls into a sleep of happy innocence.

What we need is never easy to attain, but it is worth it.

*Happy New Year, may you strive towards what you need in life*

 

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