Little Down For A Little Up

Chapter 1
Little Down For A Little Up

Chapter Description: Got to have a little down for a little up

A little down can sometimes result in a big up

Four words said and the world falls away, she has been dreading the words being said and hoped they wouldn't be.

“Your husband has died”

Four words and the world falls away.

~~

Eighteen months later:

A light caress of all that remains of someone who had loved her just as she had loved them, connection severed with the loose end trying desperately trying to reconnect to the other end that has been dead and gone for well over a year. (Please connect, please!)

The soul can yearn for what it lost once the connection has been made only to be severed and her soul aches for that connection to return. For the pain of her grief to dissipate completely and be replaced with joy.

(Please connect, please! Please!)

She can hear the laughter of her youngest child from the bedroom across, the voice of her middle child, the voice of her eldest. They've grown closer since their father's death last year from covid, her eldest has been caring for her siblings while their mum has been grieving. She feels a tinge of guilt for placing so much on her daughter's shoulders but she hasn't complained about it once, she's simply done what she feels is needed.

“How can I face them when I see their father in them in places? She has his eyes, he has his smile, they have his chin. I see him so often despite his being gone”

More laughter, some giggles, she's so good with her siblings. She's more of a mother to them that she, as their actual mother, is these days.

Footsteps and a tap on the bedroom door, it opens and her daughter pokes her head in.

“Mum? We're just heading out to see the Christmas decorations, want to come with us?” Is it Christmas already? She hadn't noticed, she had almost forgotten about last year's. It had been a pretty quiet day as she recalls or at least she thinks it was

“No, it's okay, you go ahead” Her daughter doesn't say anything, she looks disappointed but just nods and closes the door with a light click from the door nib. She hears them head downstairs before leaving the house almost twenty minutes later, then outside as they head out to the town square where every year a Christmas tree is put up and decorated in as many garish and bright decorations as possible.

She loved taking her kids out to see the tree though last year her daughter had taken them out to see it while she had stayed home to mourn.

“Christmas already, has it really been a year and a half since his death? It can't be”

“Yes, it has. Everyone grieves in their own time and in their own way but our children need you, even our eldest despite her being an adult who has delayed her moving out so that she can take care of her siblings while you grieve. Eventually you need to not be lost to the grief though, it will always hurt and you will always miss me but you can't let yourself be lost to your grief or they will lose their mother as surely as they lost their father. You will always grieve but right now you have to to not let yourself be lost to it, if you do then when they return home they may find themselves facing a Christmas without their sole remaining parent.

Please get up now, return to the living”

His voice is so clear in her mind, she had loved his gentle and kind voice, his gentle bluntness when something needed to be done and needed to be said. It felt like he was in the room with her.

“How?” She asks to the silence of the room.

“One step at a time. Come on, my lady, step on up and take the first steps to healing” She is sure she can smell his scent with a whiff of his favourite aftershave in the air, a hint of musk with the smell of a raging ocean at calm as he used to put it.

“I'll try”

“Good” Silence returns in full as she gets up from the bed, she was shaking and sore within but she had to face the pain now instead of being lost to it. It was time to return to living.

“Oh shit, it's really Christmas and I haven't gotten anything for them!”

~

The bedroom floor is soon covered with catalogues, her laptop is struggling to not burn up from her frantic online searches for gifts that can be delivered before the last post date before Christmas but she has no idea what to get for her children. She's been so lost in her grief that she hasn't really been talking to them much, she feels horrible for it.

“What would they like? I really don't know! I don't even remember if they've even talked about anything they would like! I don't even remember if I got them anything last year!”

She hears the front door open from downstairs and her daughter's voice, followed by her son's voice, no sound from the youngest so they might be sleeping. She can hear footsteps on the stairs before they lead to the baby's nursery.

“Just us, mum, she fell asleep on the way back, just putting her down for her nap” Her daughter calls out from the hallway outside the bedroom door. “I'll manage” She doesn't say anything as her heart races, she had to think of what to get them and it was too stressful.

Her daughter heads back downstairs without another word to her mum, she doesn't even really know when she last really spoke to her daughter beyond the occasional sentence.

Was her daughter angry at her or was she just letting her mum grieve in her own time? Did her children even grieve for their dad any more? She just wasn't sure.

“Think, come on, think!” She needed to figure out what to get them and the only way to do that was to talk to them but what would she say to them? 'Oh hi kids, so what would you like for Christmas? I'm sorry I've not been that great of a mum recently but it's been hard going, so what would you like?'

No, she had to do this gradually as she was still grieving and her daughter was always good at catching emotional cues. No, she was going to have to use another method. Then she remembers something that her grandmother had told her to only do when it was really important, something that only the women of the family could do if they needed to. It had it's drawbacks but it was useful.

But would it work while her emotions were still at a low point? It was only really meant to be used when the emotional point was stable or a little higher, too low and it could have an unintended effect. She was good at sneaking around if she had to so that would be easy but what if she screwed it up in a way that took sneaking out of the equation?

No choice though, she had to try.

First she had to find the item she needed, it was in here somewhere. Not that drawer, nor that one...definitely not in her underwear drawer, hmm, ah here it is hidden among some old baby clothing.
Taking out a beautifully made box she opens it to see the item she needs, a pendant made of an unknown metal with a jewel she has never seen on anything else but this pendant. There's a letter underneath it with the instructions on how to use it, her grandmother had handed it to her before she had died near twenty years ago.

“I have to focus with this, one mistake and I could end up with a problem as would my kids. Alright, focus and let's give it a try” Slipping the pendant on she grips it while reading the letter.

“Of age now from youth before, restore thy youth for but a short time, let me be the girl I was before and when I have done what I became young to do let me be restored to who I am now. Grant thy youth, grant thy return, let the years that built melt away for a short time. Youth restored from youth before, youth restored from age now” A tingling flows around her body, her skin itches and her clothes start to loosen as her physical age slips into reverse rapidly. Her mid forties become her mid thirties followed swiftly by her mid twenties, then her teen years welcome her back and soon her childhood as her body slips back to it's pre-adult stage of development. In barely minutes where there was a grown woman in her mid forties is a young child of around two or three years old in a pile of clothing.

“Oh crap, I've become too young! I was only supposed to slip down to about six years old at most! I can't age back yet either until I've done what I regressed myself to do! This is going to be awkward!” She was going to need clothing, especially one particular item of clothing being this age. Crawling out of her now very large clothes she slowly lowers herself down to the floor from her bed and toddles through to the nursery once she manages to open her bedroom door with some difficulty.

“I don't think she'll mind if her mum borrows a nappy and a dress, should be about the same size” Quietly she takes a nappy through the changing table, lays down on the floor and applies it to her self while applying a little powder and lotion as best she can. Now padded she quietly borrows a dress and some socks, slipping them on with a little difficulty from her now reduced coordination.
Once done she has a look at herself in the nursery mirror, her reflection showing a rather adorable toddler in a cute dress with her nappy showing from underneath, her once slowly greying hair now a not fully grown dark blonde that would later in life darken to a very dark brown. Baby fat all over her body, her hands, fingers, feet and toes so tiny now and a very cute nose on her very cute face.

“Got to admit I was and am a very cute toddler, my youngest looks as cute as I did. My older kids were so adorable at this age as well, cuteness must run in the family” Satisfied though feeling a little awkward in her nappy, she heads downstairs quickly and stops when she hears voices in the kitchen, her older children.

“Pity mum won't be joining us”

“I know but when she's ready then I'm sure she will, go get the movie ready then, I'll be right through with the popcorn once it's ready” Moving quickly and quietly she runs through into the living room and hides behind the sofa, this was as good a place as any to hear them if they talk about what they're wanting for Christmas.

Footsteps can be heard seconds later before a ping from the kitchen and another set of footsteps a few minutes later.

“Still feels strange to be watching this movie without dad here, he loved this movie” She knew the movie they were talking about instantly, it had been a tradition until his death for them to watch the movie together as a family every Christmas. She couldn't recall if it had been watched last year.

“I know, we tried to last year but it was just too painful but you did say that we should try again so we'll do just that. The wee one's still sleeping so when she's older I hope she'll want to watch it with us as well” They sit down and she listens as the movie in question starts, it had been wonderful to all be together as a family watching it.

After about maybe twenty minutes she listens to them talking about Christmas.

“Guess it's just going to be us for Christmas again, mum's still in mourning. I'm glad I've perfected how to make Christmas dinner by now, last year was nice but I could have done better” She didn't recall last Christmas, she didn't know that her daughter had made it all and taken a plate up to her, she couldn't even recall eating it. The past year and a half felt like a blur of work and sleep with little else in-between.

“Work, sleep, eat a little, go through the motions. She's gotten good at it while she's barely said a word to any of us the entire time. Have we lost mum as well?” Has she really been like that? She can't recall much of it, she only knows when she's working and when she isn't but very little else.

“I hope not. She lost her soul mate when dad died and it's like she just shut herself off, I've tried to talk to her but I barely get much from her. I hope we haven't lost her. Oh how are your bruises?” Bruises?

“They're healing well, the bullies really hit me hard. They really don't like my being a girl. They were really scared when you came barrelling for them after the school called you though, I think one of them wet themselves when you roared at them”

“They were hurting my little sister, they were lucky I didn't rip their heads off and ram them up their arses. No one hurts my little sister except me and I don't want to hurt you, tease you maybe but only out of love. That school needs to do better to protect their trans students” They were trans female? Why didn't she know about this? Then she knows why and feels guilt weigh in her heart, she hasn't been there for her children.

“At least some are accepting of my name and pronouns, I feel a tad young next to a lot of them as they're hitting puberty and I'm having to rely on a puberty blocker so that I don't until I'm ready, I really don't want to end up all hairy and manly. Eww”

“Hopefully you'll be able to get started on the oestrogen soon though they did say that it might not be until you're 16, it's a good thing that your puberty didn't start kicking in until later and we were able to delay it before it got worse. A few more years and you'll be growing up and out like me”

“Not too out, your boobs are huge”

“They are not!”

“Sure they are and so's your ass”

“Oh you little-!” The sounds of laughter which turns to pained laughter follows before ending with some pained gasping to catch their breath, must have been well tickled. “Besides you might develop the same way once you begin hormones and then I can laugh when you have big boobs”

“Think I will?”

“Maybe, comes down to genetics. Hmm, I can smell something” She realises that she's using her nappy and feels complete embarrassment as she fills it, she had hoped she could last until she got the information she was looking for.

“The wee one's still sleeping so it's not her” The sound of someone turning around on the sofa is heard and her daughter's face is looking down at her.

“Well hello there little one, where did you come from?” Oh bugger. Her daughter looks right at her before getting off from the sofa and walking around the sofa to pick her up, raising the young child up to have a better look at this unexpected visitor her eyes widen as she recognises the young child and mouths “Mum?”

“Where did she come from?”

“I'm not sure, why don't you go get a fresh nappy and changing supplies from the nursery, she needs a change”

“Sure” Left with her daughter she looks down as she blushes.

“I have no idea how you did it but you are adorable, though I do have to ask how you did it. I've seen photos of you when you were young but I didn't expect to ever have my mum as a toddler in my hands, especially in need of a nappy change.
I guess you've got a lot to tell me when you're an adult again, if you will be. I'm not sure how I feel about taking care of my mum at this age for too long, it's weird. So other than the how why did you do this?” She hoped she could get the words out just right so she tries.

“Need to know what you all want for Chwistmas” Of course she just had to struggle with some letters at this age.

“Ah, I see. Okay well we're watching dad's favourite Christmas movie so I'm sure you'll find out, watch it with us. And get to know your other daughter a little as she's been wanting to let you know that she's a girl, not a boy, but she wasn't sure if you would hear her. I helped her get support and eventually a puberty blocker recently, thankfully her puberty didn't begin kicking in until just before she got the blocker so that's one crisis averted.
With you in mourning then I've had to do what I can for my sisters while we've waited for you to finally return to us. Here she comes, let's get that nappy changed” New nappy passed over with changing supplies along with a changing mat, she hadn't expected to be getting her nappy changed so having to lie on her back as she's cleaned up and a new nappy applied is a very new experience for her with being aware of being a young child.
Once done and the old nappy disposed of, she's sat on her oldest daughter's lap watching her deceased husband's favourite Christmas movie. It was so strange to be watching it like this sitting on her daughter's lap feeling her nappy being lightly patted as she snuggles against her daughter's chest, her head smaller than the breasts her head was resting on.

“So what are you wanting for Christmas this year?” Her daughter asks to her other daughter as they watch the movie.

“Other than mum joining us and my body realigning to fit better? I guess in regards of material items there is a video game I'm interested in, it even has a female lead which is a refreshing surprise. I've got it marked online” Since their dad's death the eldest daughter has been paying the bills and keeping things together while their mum is going through the motions while grieving, the eldest had done all she could to make sure that they had a nice enough Christmas last year and was prepared to do the same if she had to.

“On the lap top?”

“Yep” She reaches over for it and opens it, the screen popping on and she goes to the page where the game is shown.

“Hmm, okay. Anything else in mind?”

“Not really, well maybe some new clothing. Clothing for a girl like me”

“Got that marked as well?”

“Yep” She watches as her middle daughter shows every item she's interested in, there was some nice clothing there.

“What about you? What are you wanting?” Her middle daughter asks of her eldest daughter.

“A new pair of flat sole shoes would be nice, been doing so much walking and the ones I have are wearing thin. Nothing else, well aside from mum joining us for Christmas. The wee one will probably be happy with whatever as long as she's warm, fed and cared for. Speaking of the little one that sounds like her waking up from her nap, I'll go get her. Keep an eye on our cute guest” Her eldest daughter passes her to her middle daughter before heading upstairs, she can hear her on the baby monitor shortly after before she heads down with a still groggy and freshly changed baby girl in her arms and a couple of toys with her.

Sitting back down she hands a toy to her mum while the youngest daughter greets her with a little “Hi!” before getting right down to play as they watch the movie together. Despite her rather young age she found herself rather enjoying being with her children like this, her eldest daughter was doing so well in looking after her sisters. She feels guilt at not being able to be there for them over the past year and a half and she knew now why she had heard her husband this morning so clearly, he truly had wanted her to start living again.

The movie soon ends and she's starting to feel sleepy, she has her information and she needed to age back soon or she would be stuck like this. She loved that her eldest daughter has been so responsible in her absence but now she had to be there for them instead of lost to her grief, she would still grieve but she had to focus on what she had now.

Her eldest daughter notes her mum starting to fall asleep so carrying her in her arms she heads upstairs to the master bedroom and sets her rather young mum on the bed.

“Maybe time to age back, as cute as you are at this age I really want my mum back” Gripping the pendant in her tiny hand as she undresses down to all but her nappy and sits in her pile of adult sized clothing she recites the reverse of the letter, she was glad to have memorised it before regressing since she wasn't quite able to read at this age.
Focusing as best she can to recite the restoration without a toddler's lisp she grips the pendant as tightly as possible.

“Of youth now from age before, restore me to how I was. I have succeeded in my task so bring back to me what I placed aside and let me be an adult again, from youth to how I was before, restore me and let me be who I am again” The pendant softly glows and she can feel her body growing, a rapid puberty and finally fully restored back to her original age although in a rather small nappy that while very tight hasn't been damaged in her rapid re-aging.

“Guess I'll be asking about that pendant later, you should get dressed. I'll go make supper” Her daughter leaves the room leaving her to focus on getting dressed, she notes that she must have wet herself just before she aged back. It had been nice being that young again but she did need to face being an adult again, and being a mum again. As much as her heart hurt for her husband she had to focus on living for now.

Her family needed her.

~

After getting dressed and cleaned up she heads back downstairs to see her older daughter's working together on making supper, before they used to argue a lot like siblings usually do but they were peacefully working together with no conflict. Their baby sister is playing in the living room happily behind a baby gate.

“Hey mum” Her eldest greets her as she chops a few vegetables.

“Hi mum! Good to see you joining us” Her second oldest daughter remarks as she makes a sauce.

“I felt it was about time, so what's for supper?” She asks as she sits down and watches them work.

“Italian dish I learned in school, been wanting to try again as bullies at school were making it hard for me to get it just right. I think I've got it right now if I've not forgotten anything, oh wait I did, there we go” Her second oldest daughter replies as she works, she looked like she was enjoying herself.

“I'm sorry I wasn't around when you needed be” She says quietly as she watches her oldest daughters working.

“It's okay, we understand why. Grief takes time so I stepped up to make sure my sisters were looked after while you took the time you needed, supper should be ready in an hour or less, you should go spend time with the wee one, she's been missing her mum a lot”

Supper is soon served and for the first time in a long time they sit together as a family, their dad watching with a smile of delight from the afterlife before fading away to be reborn. His family were going to be fine now.

~~

Later that night after the youngest has been tucked in for her bedtime she sits down with her second oldest, she had spent some time researching on what transition would entail and learning about trans people. Her eldest has shown her how to avoid anything from the transphobics.

“So I guess you're set on this then?” She asks as she watches her daughter gaming.

“Aye, I've known since I was the wee one's age or thereabouts. I was scared to say anything out of fear of the reactions but dad's death made me realise that I needed to speak up sooner instead of spending my life with regrets, especially since I could die at any time. So if I'm going to die then I want to live my life as the girl and later the woman I am, better to be happy than to be miserable”

“I'm sorry I wasn't there for you”

“It's okay, I understand. I miss him all the time, we all do. We thought we had lost you as well but I'm glad we didn't”

“I'm glad as well, I'll do better than I have been, I need to. Good game?”

“It's okay I guess but I wish I were playing as female” She had ordered as much as she could earlier after supper so her daughter was going to get the game she had shown earlier.

“Tell you what, as we can afford it I'll let you pick a game from the, what is it, digital store you called it? You did mention there was a sale on and a game in it you were interested in that has a female lead” Her daughter gives a little squeal of delight as she saves and ends the game before opening the digital store and finding the game in question.

“Really?”

“Really, I'll go get my card, be right back” She heads downstairs to get her card, she sees her eldest daughter looking at a photo album. She quickly heads upstairs, provides the card details so that the game is bought, the details wiped afterwards, before returning downstairs and putting her card back in her purse before going through to the living room.

“She'll be happy, allowed her to get a game she was interested in” She says as she sits down next to her eldest.

“Not the one you ordered her for Christmas, right?”

“No, a different one. Reminiscing? She asks as she looks at the photos, her husband beaming back at her alive and well.

“Aye, just thinking back to how life was before. He was a great dad and I miss him, he doted on me so much but never spoiled me. He always had some silly wise saying that would be followed with his laugh, he had wondered what it would be like to be a granddad if I ever had kids later in my life but he won't know that now” Her mum wraps an arm around her shoulders, a kiss on her forehead as she holds her daughter close.

“Maybe he will in another life, maybe I'll get to be a grandma when you're ready to have kids of your own” They don't say anything for a little while as they just look at the photos together, her eldest closes the book as they reach the final photo, a photo that was taken before her dad had become ill with the virus that had killed him. He was holding his almost year old baby daughter, his third child, in his arms and was looking down at their sleeping face with such love in his eyes. He had loved his children so much.

“So about that pendant, what exactly is it?” She asks.

“Well it's been in the family for a long time and only used by the women of the family, it allows them to become younger and to age back to the age they were when they regressed. But it became a problem when a rather jealous man in the family learned of it and tried to steal it, he got his hands on it and was reduced to a baby girl, his mind completely reset and altered to a female one. It doesn't react well to men”

“Would my trans sister be able to use it due to the way her body was born?”

“Yes, as long as the person using it identifies as female then it will work for them but it has to be used wisely. Misused it can leave the user as a child or younger forever, there has to be a purpose to using it and it must only be for a short time” She takes out the box with the pendant in it from a cardigan pocket, opening it to show the pendant.

“I'm tempted to use it, if I can” Her eldest remarks as she looks at it without touching it.

“Why?” Her mum asks.

“Because I want my mum to hold me like she did when I was very young, I've missed my mum over the past year and a half. I've tried so hard to be not just a loving and responsible big sister but also a temporary mother figure while you've been grieving. I've had some nights when they've been sleeping where I've just cried because I'm so lonely and so tired, I've barely seen any of my friends in so long and college has been hard going.

I study, I look after them, I do everything I can and I keep being scared that I'll find out you've died on the way to or from work or you've ended your life from your grief, I keep expecting a visit from the police with news or finding you dead in your bedroom. I've needed you so much and you've been so distant that it's like you've been miles away, I understand you've been grieving as we all have. So many of the family were taken by the virus in the past year and a half, it's been hard” Her mum takes the pendant out and slips it over her daughter's head.

“Hold the pendant in your right hand and with your left hand hold the words. Read them clearly but before you do what is the purpose of using the pendant?” Her daughter looks up at her and for a moment she can see her daughter as the baby she was so long ago, the little bundle of life that had depended on her, that had grown into the young woman she is now.

“To be with my mum as a young child like before, just for a little while. To not be all grown up for now, I already have some nappies and supplies handy” She lifts up a nappy bag from beside the sofa. “Always be prepared”

“Okay, then say the words, just don't be too young or you'll be stuck” Her daughter grips the pendant and begins speaking the words on the letter.

~

“Another little one?” Her second oldest daughter asks as she enters the living room just before going to bed.

“Not quite, your sister's just having a little break. How was your gaming?” Her mum asks as she cradles her currently regressed eldest daughter in her arms who is currently about three years old.

“It was great, the new game is fun. Was just about to head to bed and came down to see if she was okay” Looking down at the toddler in her arms who is not quite asleep but close she replies with:

“She's just fine, good night, sleep well. Good to hear you like the game” Her second oldest daughter heads back upstairs while she stays downstairs cradling her eldest who contently enjoys cuddling with her mum for a little bit longer, she has been needing this so much.

She would have to age back very shortly but for now she was enjoying being very young.

Christmas was definitely going to be interesting this year.

A little down for a little up.